Ankle Reconstruction

3 Year Anniversary

2011-11-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

Today marks the three year anniversary of my ankle surgery. Hard to believe that for a while, this blog was one of the only things getting me through the recovery. It's hard to believe that I updated it every single day (or close to it), and that now, I update once a year. I'm so happy to be at that "one a year update" point.

So at this three year mark... I now teach 7 classes a week (on top of my full time job, of course). I teach for 24 Hour Fitness, Equinox and now Nike. I've completed a half marathon in a very competitive time and am currently training for my second. More importantly, I rest when I need to rest and I find myself giving the same advice to others that used to go in one of my ears and out the other. I guess this is what "growing up" is all about. I train hard, but I also train in multiple disciplines, including Bikram Yoga. Me? Yoga? Yep. And it's hot too, 105 degrees, 60% humidity "hot."

Lots of changes have occurred in me mentally and physically. As I look back at the last post I wrote, on my second anniversary, I'm proud to say I've grown so much from that point, and look forward to how much I will grow in the next 365 days. I never realized what an important tool this blog could be, for me as a person. I'm also so happy that I've been able to help others out there, going through the same things. Please continue to post comments and ask questions, as I will always respond. There's also a little facebook group out there, you can check it out, just search "Calcaneal Osteotomy".

I've also grown a lot in my knowledge of nutrition, and I share my knowledge and thoughts about health, fitness, nutrition and motivation on a new web site, http://www.LiveWholeBeFree.com. Please feel free to check it out.

Until next year, take care of yourselves, and feel free to comment and I shall respond!

Peace, love and healthy ankles,

Melissa

2+ YEARS Post-Op!

2010-11-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

Well, it's hard to believe, but it's been 2 YEARS since ankle reconstruction! This whole journey has changed me much more mentally than physically, which I wasn't planning on, but desperately needed. (Which I now realize).

I take much better care of my body now. I guess I figured pre-surgery that my body was such a mess anyways, what did it matter if I played through injuries? Now, with a new ankle, and a "second chance" (as overdramatic as it sounds), I'm much smarter. I stay off my injuries, I am getting all the vitamins my body needs, I do my best not to eat processed foods and I see a muscle activation therapist weekly who helps my body keep pace with my crazy active lifestyle. :)

Even as I write this, I still can't believe that I haven't gotten back on that field. One of my main goals was to play again. But again, things have changed. I fell into a position as a Group X Instructor, and it's taken over. Definitely one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I realize it's much more important for me to help others change their lives than it is to score a goal. Do I miss soccer? Absolutely. But as more time goes by, I think about it less and less. It does help to just stay away from all elements of it. I guess it's like relapsing from a drug. It's best to just keep it out of your environment, so you're not tempted to do it again.

I've been a Group X Instructor at 24 Hour Fitness now for over a year. The class of 5 that I started with has grown to 60+, I teach two classes for 24 Hour and will be starting at Equniox here in the next couple weeks. :)

Oh, and one more little thing... I've now beat my pre-surgery race times. All except for one. :) But I like that there's always something to work for. :) Here's to another year!

Cheers!

For more support/stories, check out our group on facebook: Calcaneal Osteotomy

17+ Months Post-Op

2010-04-11T10:43:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I would post any more updates to this blog. It served its purpose for me, it got me through my tough journey, and gave me something to look back on, to see how far I had come. What I didn't realize, while creating this, was that it would serve as such a helpful tool for others, also going through a surgery like this. So not only am I leaving it up for the world to see, but I think I'll come back and post every once in a while. :)

I've gotten several emails over the last 17 months from people who've stumbled across my blog, and have had questions about surgery, or who have thanked me for the information I was able to provide. Online, you can find copious amounts of information on the procedures, but they are all extremely difficult to understand to those of us without an MD. So although you will be able to read how the procedure works, now you can find information and testimonials from REAL people, who have real feelings and emotions, and have gone through these procedures themselves. There's no information like the truth, to help you weigh the pros and cons of a surgery like this.

That said, this leads me to Dave's blog. Dave is going to have a similar procedure, and is posting about his journey as well. You go, Dave. :) I encourage you all to check his blog for information, as well as to wish him luck in his journey.

And me? I'm doing just great! After about 7 months of teaching Athletic Training at 24 Hour Fitness' Valley Ranch Location, I have over 50+ members attending, several of which have lost over 10 lbs in my class. They are extremely inspiring and motivating to me. Teaching has given me a new purpose in life, one that I wasn't able to see with soccer in the way. I have yet to really play soccer, and to be honest, I'm not sure I'll ever play again. I still can't say that without tears, but I've found there are more important things in life. If I were to play soccer and blow out my ankle (high probability of this, if I play), I would never forgive myself. Everything I've worked so hard for, to throw it away would be moronic. I have a responsibility to my members now, and that motivates me more than playing soccer for myself ever could. I'm helping people. Inspiring them. It's amazing. I've also been offered a second class which starts tomorrow, at the Preston Center location. I never thought this would be me, but now, I could never go back. I am so grateful!

Another thing I couldn't have done without this surgery? 22 hours of boot camp in 2 days. That's right. I was one of the models/trainers/boot-campers featured in a DVD that was shot over two 11-hour days (see picture above). It was grueling! But my ankle was fine, it was amazing! The DVD as well as the web site should launch soon, right now you can visit the facebook page and become a fan, Doug Rice's Bridalicious Boot Camp.

I see the doc next month for what should be my very last appointment, ever! A year and a half. Wow. I never thought I'd see the day! I can't wait to see him. I've never been so excited to go see a Doctor. This is what you have to look forward to, Dave. A wonderful life ahead of you.

Cheers!

"Whether you think you can, or can't,— you're right" - Unknown

Day 365+! One Year Later!

2009-11-05T13:44:00.001-08:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

November 5, 2009

Well, it's finally here! My one-year anniversary! I am SOOO happy! I feel like a completely different person. This surgery may have helped me more mentally than it did physically! And what they did physically I consider a miracle.

Today here I stand, solidly, on two feet, exactly one year later. November 5th. 12 months ago I wondered if I'd ever run again. And as I go through some of my past posts, all these feelings are coming back, and I'm remembering what I went through. To be honest, I've blocked most of it out. Your mind can do amazing things.

This was a long, hard journey, but I'm not sure I've EVER been more motivated to do anything in my life. I ran my last 5k before surgery in October of 08, with a PR and a time of 22:30. This October I ran the same race, with a time of 23:04. I've worked my butt off to get this far and plan to keep doing so! I met with a running specialist/physical therapist this week because I have poor running form. I am running with a limp, although it doesn't necessarily hurt. It turns out I have some very weak hip/glute muscles from atrophy after surgery, so I've been given a stack of exercises and now that we've pinpointed where the weaknesses lie, my running form should correct itself in no time.

One of my major concerns about surgery was whether or not I would be able to play soccer after surgery. However, I was unable to play prior to surgery as well, because my ankles were in such bad shape. So I didn't have anything to lose there. I have tried several times to play soccer. I can kick around just fine, without taping, however, when I tape up, it seems to "mush" everything together and I get a lot of popping that is quite unbearable, so I haven't been able to play very competitively for longer than 8 minutes. It's extremely frustrating and very upsetting. I've gone to a couple games, and leave in hysterics each time. So I've come to terms with it, and I will not try to play again until after my wedding. Because I haven't gone through all of this to NOT be able to walk down that aisle!

I am extremely grateful for everything. I am able to run, and more importantly, my quality of life has improved so dramatically. I can now stand at the kitchen sink and not fall over while doing dishes. That is the thing I notice the most. I have pain still, yes, of course. But it's normal and I'm so used to it that I would probably notice if it DIDN'T hurt, rather than when it does. And it's okay. I have a lot of scar tissue that needs to be worked out, but I've also come a long way.

I have new focuses in my life. I am now a Group X Instructor at 24 Hour Fitness, and I'm loving it. It feels right. Being bed ridden for 3 months taught me patience. It made me lose my mind...but also taught me patience. I feel a void without soccer, but I'm hoping that will fade with time. I went in for my 9 month check-up with a printed page of results, a picture of me running in the race, and my name and time highlighted at #1, and handed it to my surgeon. The look on his face was priceless. "Melissa, that is amazing..." he has it on his desk still. :) It makes me happy. I wanted to print out a new one when I beat that time, but figured one was enough.

To all of you who have been reading this, and emailing asking how I am doing, I'm so sorry for the delay in responding, and sincere thanks for your concern! I am alive, and well and know a great surgeon in Dallas if you are interested, which you probably are if you're reading this! I mean, who else's surgeon walks into the room on your 1-year check-up, gives you a hug and says "Happy Birthday!" I look forward to my appointments because I have so much good news to share! I'm also part of a case study at Baylor, they are evaluating my gait before and after surgery, and charting my progress. A surgeon from the UK is flying in and they are presenting my case to him! Awesome! It's an unusual case, I'm still not "cured" by any means...they would have to do an osteotomy of my tibia and that's SO not going to happen. I consider myself lucky right now, I'm not going to try my luck again!

I think to celebrate I will go to boxing twice today. All I know is that I'll be doing something athletic. I thought about waiting until the pm class, and going for a run beforehand, but I'm not sure I can make it through the day without releasing some endorphins, I'm so freaking excited!

11/5/08 + 11/5/09

2009-11-05T13:43:00.001-08:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Comparison pre and post-op. 11/5/08 and 11/5/09.

October 3, 2009

2009-11-05T13:42:00.001-08:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Finished 1st in my age group, females 25-29, for the 5k. 10/3/09

Day 175+

2009-04-29T11:19:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Getting closer and closer to the actual 6th month mark! Eeeek! Exciting. Gosh I wish I could run. Have I mentioned that?

My foot is feeling a bit better today. Not enough of an improvement from day to day to keep me happy, but I'm wondering what exactly that would take at this point? Not sure. Anyways, I'm hanging in there! I'm anxious to get back to boxing as well, since I'm out of that too, until the stitches are removed. Or at least until this gash heals up some more!

Day 174+

2009-04-29T11:16:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Lovely photo, isn't it?! Yes, I know. My pride and joy right there.

I'm walking a bit better. It's still very sore, it feels a little bit better than when the screw was in there, but I can't really tell for sure yet. The whole area is still so sore from surgery, ugh. I still can't touch the outside of my foot, nor can I touch my heel of course...it still has stitches in it, for another week. So it's sandals for me for a while!

My soon-to-be sister-in-law, Ana, so kindly donated her bike to me, so after my Dad and Juan spent some time fixin' it all up for me, they're so wonderful, I finally took it out yesterday afternoon. I don't think I've ridden a bicycle that wasn't permanently adhered to the gym floor in oh...say...10 or 15 years. Okay, that's a lie, I rode once a couple years ago. Anyways, it was tricky at first, but after a lap around the block, I felt confident enough to take it for a real ride. So I "biked" my errands yesterday. So much fun! And today, my legs hurt in a strange way. Not like the muscles inside hurt like when you normally get sore, but my legs hurt to touch... like even my skin hurts! It's very odd, but that's okay. I'm excited to have this new bike to play with. Hopefully I'll be running in the next 2 weeks, but, *sigh* I will bike for now!

Day 167+, Surgery #2, Hardware Removal

2009-04-29T11:10:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

So here I am, right after the second surgery to remove the huge painful screw from my heel. And after looking at it I realized I shouldn't feel like a wuss for being in so much pain. That thing is enormous, and really shouldn't be inside your body, or sticking out of your heel. :)

Surgery went well, it was tougher and more involving than the surgeon let on, but oh well, it's over now. It only took a few minutes for him to unscrew, by hand, and remove the heel from my bone. There is a nice incision on the back of my heel and two huge stitches closing it back up. I was under for quite a while, and pretty much slept all day. Something about surgery, it's the best sleep ever! No interruptions! It was pretty painful that day, not nearly as painful as the reconstruction itself, ugh...that gives me the shivers! But I couldn't "walk" out of the OR like the Doc said I would be able to. I couldn't bear any weight the day of surgery.

By the end of the first day post op, I could bear a little bit of weight, so that's good. I was on pain meds the first day, and that was it. Didn't need them after that! Yippie! But was really sick the next couple days, just slept straight through them.

Overall, hardware removal was a definite success, and I even got to take the screw home with me. It's definitely my favorite piece of hardware, even above all the trophies and medals I've collected over the years, because this shows what I've gone through more than any award ever could!

Day 162+

2009-04-20T19:45:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Day 162 post op, 4/16/09. My foot swells so much, that with a shoe on, all the swelling gets pushed up to where there is no shoe constraining it. Nice. Real nice. This picture was taken in the middle of the day, after I had been sitting all day. Oh, wait, actually—— I did go to boxing that morning. But still, it gets sooo swollen all day.

I had my 5 1/2 month post-op check up with the Doc on Friday. He said it looks great! It feels amazing (minus the screw). The doc said last time I was in that I could run if I was up to it. Unfortunately, I only made it once because the screw causes so much pain I can't push off of the ball of my foot. He felt the back of my heel, where the screw head sticks out and mentioned how big the screw head was, as if I can't feel how big it is. :) So he asked me if I wanted it out, I said yes, he asked when, I tried to get him to do it the next day, hehe, but he actually said I could do it Tuesday (tomorrow) to my surprise. He had initially told me after 6 mos I could get it removed, but I am long since healed so we are good to go!

So tomorrow morning I go in for "hardware removal." He said it wasn't a big deal, but the nurse already called me and I have to prepare for "surgery." I wish they wouldn't call it surgery. I can't handle another one. It's exhausting. But then again, I'd rather prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised than the opposite.

I woke up today and my heel felt great. All day it felt great, really. I thought it was a sign, that maybe I should just give it a couple more months, that maybe the pain will subside. So I went for a "run" when I got home, and that definitely convinced me that I am making the right decision. I didn't make it far at all. Granted, I did much better than last time, but it's just not worth it right now. I am for sure going to pull another muscle or throw something out of whack because of how bad I am limping when I run. It's just not right!

So wish me luck tomorrow, I'm pretty nervous and very anxious to be myself again. I can do two a days at boxing class, but still cant run. I REALLY want to run. Soccer...well, we'll talk about soccer later. The doc said I could play, but I dont think he understands that I, nor the people I play with, play for "fun." :)

Day 162+, Right Ankle

2009-04-20T19:36:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Day 162+ post op. 4/16/09.

Day 162+, Left Ankle

2009-04-20T19:35:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

For comparison. 4/16/09.

Day 139+

2009-04-20T15:20:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Day 139+ post op, I can stand on one leg all by myself! This was taken two months ago now, haha, I've been a bit busy, but it was very exciting! I've been back at boxing for about 2 months, I even tried running once! It was a beautiful day, I went out for a "walk" and was uber frustrated right off the bat because I'm so tired of walking. I want to run!! So I tried very slowly to run, and to my surprise, I could do it! I must have run a mile! Very slowly, and embarrassingly, but I ran a mile! I cried a little too. From happiness. Very overwhelming. I've been through a lot these past five months! More later!

Day 126+, Past 4 months post-op

2009-03-11T22:15:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

So, I haven't blogged in quite a while, it's probably been good for me. Today is actually day 126, but you'll be happy to know I have actually stopped counting UP the days. Now I'm back to counting down. Now I'm counting down the days until I go to boxing class (1), until I can try to run (16), until I can REALLY run, play soccer, walk in the middle of the night, things like that.

I had my 4 month post op appt last Friday. I went in with a long list of questions, anticipating the worst, ready to discuss all the pain and swelling and the many days I have ahead with more of the same. I was half right. I have more days of the pain and swelling. However, he said this is normal, which I figured at this point was not. Apparently I am crazy. He again reiterated "we CUT OFF your heel..." yeah yeah yeah, I got it. But at what point do we get to stop saying that, and I'm supposed to just be "OK?" Apparently this sort of thing doesn't happen with reconstructive surgery. It's apparently a pretty big deal. :)

ANYWAYS...the doc said I am WAY ahead of schedule. Shocked me! He said for being only 4 mos post op, I have much more functionality in my foot/ankle than he thought I would. Awesome! He was impressed at how well I was walking. Laughed at my sunburn. (Was taking good care to cover up my scars in the sun, forgot about the rest of my foot, ouch)! And said if walking goes well I can try running in 3-4 weeks. I asked him if he was sure. He looked me, puzzled, and I told him I just wanted to check, because as soon as he says I can run, I'm not going to stop. :) He understood. I love this guy. He is the best surgeon ever. I wish he would have done my previous surgeries as well!

So I feel good. I think. :) When people ask how my ankle is doing I honestly, never know what to say. "Based on what?!" I think. Compared to right before surgery? Well, it's a hell of a lot stronger, but I'm in much more pain and can barely walk. But it's better. And compared to 6 weeks ago, it feels amazing! And compared to what it hopefully will feel like in 6 months? It feels horrible! :) It's a very complicated question. I still don't know what to say.

I put dress shoes on for the first time last Saturday. You can see the line of where the shoe came up to in this picture. It forced all the swelling up. It was disgusting. I'm going to try boxing tomorrow. I'm excited. I think. And nervous. I can bike. I can walk. I can swim. I can do the elliptical..well, sort of. I can only bear it for 10 minutes or so. Everything from my ankle to my knee seems to snap in and out, its extremely uncomfortable. But I don't have to crawl to go to the restroom in the middle of the night. I can kind of walk. It hurts like hell, but I can do it.

Doc wants to remove the screws at 6 mos post op, b/c it is giving me too much pain he said. And, he is right. I'm hoping that in these next 2 mos, the pain subsides and I can live with the screw in my heel. But seriously, you can feel the screw head through my skin. I can't wear shoes really. It hurts! I figured this would happen. He said it's an "easy" procedure. Compared to what?! Mentally, I CANNOT handle this again so soon. But he said they barely put me under, make an incision, grab their drill, unscrew the screw, and I walk out of the OR with the screw in a doggy bag. No down time. Yeah, right. Whatever. This sucks. It really, really, really sucks. But...it's going to be worth it. I know it.

There are already things I can do now that I never could have done before surgery. Like, stand on one foot, for instance. It is painful, but i can do it! I don't fall over like an idiot! That makes me so happy. Gosh, I can't wait until I'm back in the game!

Cheers!

Day 108+

2009-02-21T12:17:00.000-08:00

Ow. That's all I've got. Ow. I can walk, it's difficult and painful, but I can walk.

Day 105+, Week 15

2009-02-18T11:54:00.000-08:00

Today marks my 15th week anniversary. That makes me 105 days post op. I completed my 4 weeks in the boot, and began really walking on Monday. So for the past three days I've started out and finished the day without ever getting in the boot, which is EXTREMELY exciting. Monday morning I brought it with me to work, and left it in the car, mostly as insurance. It's still sitting in the car. :) I'm trying not to use the crutches either. I put them in the back of my closet. To be rid of those walking aids is so freeing, it's an incredible feeling. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy that I'm getting super antsy. It's 76 degrees outside. In February. There are people mowing their lawns. It smells like summer. I NEED TO RUN. But not yet. I can't. I actually have a very hard time walking without a limp. However since Monday I've made incredible progress, so I'm thinking by this weekend the limp will be gone. It's hard though, because the pain is back. It's always great when I'm at the end of a phase (like I am at the end of the 4 weeks in the boot), because I feel great, almost no pain, little soreness. But now, introducing walking into the mix, which I obviously haven't done in 100 days, is very difficult. I have a lot of pain when I walk, and a TON of pain at night. I was almost in tears last night. I want to be done with this, but know it will be a while, and so that is really frustrating.

Monday I was so happy I was tearing up, now today I'm so frustrated I am tearing up. It's quite silly, really. :) But having this frustrated feeling inside of me, well, that is what's going to get me back on that horse, so I guess I should stop complaining. I AM grateful to be walking. And I just need to remember that I've come so far, and I have to take the baby steps in between to get to where I want to go, I can't skip those crucial steps, or I will set myself back. And like I've said before, there was more than one motive behind this surgery, one of those was to take better care of myself, and this is ALL part of that.

So, I'm going to try to put the pain out of my mind. I can get both of my worn out New Balances on without too much trouble. I tried to wear my "real" running shoes to work today, the ones that are in great shape (not stretched out) and have the orthotics in them. I got out of my house and barely sat down at my desk before I had to take them off, it was just too painful to even have them on. They are much too tight. Ugh. Baby steps, Melissa, baby steps.

Today I go to the Physical Therapist for my 4th appointment (I only go every 2 weeks), and I'm anxious to hear how much range of motion and strength I've gained in the past couple weeks. And in a couple more weeks, I will go get my body fat tested again. Dun dun dun... :) But I am starting to feel really good, when I work out I am starting to see more and more of the "athlete" Melissa, physically and mentally, and that is a wonderful feeling. In some ways I can't believe I did this...but more so, I knew I could. :) I'm ready, let's do this!

Pain: 2

Quote(s):

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." - Mahatma Gandi

"Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." - John Wooden

(I couldn't choose between the two quotes today, they were both too pefect!)

Day 98+, Week 14

2009-02-11T20:22:00.000-08:00

Hooray! 14 week anniversary today! Day 98 post op. Almost at 100! I have had a very exciting last couple of days. Monday I had my best swim ever. It was great, I felt amazing, everything made sense. I "got it," everything was in sync. My breathing, my kicking, my arms. I was so happy! I went for a swim again on Tuesday, and had another really great swim. Just 3 weeks ago I could swim one length of the pool, I could do that 3 times in 20 minutes with several minutes of doggy paddling in between. Now I must have done the length of the pool at least 10 times, and twice I did two lengths in a row! I'm sure this is a bunch of nonsense to anyone reading this, but that's okay.

So today I rode the stationary bike. I did 40 minutes on the lower bike, and 10 on the upper bike. (Upper bike is much harder!) I felt so wonderful. And now I am beginning to see my hard work pay off. I am beginning to look more in shape. It's terrific! I tried the rowing machine today, first time I was able to do it. My second attempt, however. The first time I tried with my boot on, that doesn't work so well. And at that point I couldn't take my boot off, so I had to wait on the rowing machine. I did the rowing machine today and was able to bend my ankle quite a bit. Did my sit-ups, the usual. Starting to get my "real" life back. Went tanning, went to the grocery store, made some dinner, did some baking for Juan, and then... I took a SHOWER. My first shower! Oh, wait. Maybe second. Regardless...it was teh first time I could do it semi-comfortably. The bath mat was killing me though. It has these raised circles for "traction" and it felt like I was stepping on huge rocks. Oh well, couldn't ruin my exercise high!

I got my body fat % tested yesterday, so that I can look back in six months and be so proud of how far I've come. I was putting it off because I knew I was not going to be happy with my new number, I was in pretty good shape pre-op, then was sedentary up until now. So my muscles have atrophied quite a bit, any muscle I have left is now very mushy. *vomit*. So the trainer told me my number, and sure enough, I'm not happy. 9% higher than pre-op. I had to hold back tears. But, that motivates me. I have a long way to go, but nothing motivates you more than the trainer grabbing your stomach fat to test how fat it really is. Argh! So then I went to the grocery store...I'm going to get my body fat tested before I go grocery shopping every time—I left there with not one unhealthy thing. :) Ha.

That's enough for now. Hopefully pictures soon.

Pain: Bad in the mornings, bad at night, decent during the day.

Quote: "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." - Mahatma Gandhi

Day 73+

2009-01-17T18:56:00.001-08:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Whoa. It's day 73 post op. Photo is day 69+. I had my 10.5 week Doc appt yesterday, I was so nervous and anxious I didn't really sleep the night before. I was so happy going into the Doc's office yesterday morning! He came in, asked me how I was, for the first time I responded that I was great! He looked at the xray and said it is awesome, gave the ankle a tug and said "oh yeah, that is rock solid" and I don't remember feeling so good! At least not in the last 73 days. :) I expected a lot of pain, but to my surprise, my ankle didn't slide out of socket like it used to when he pulled it! I told him to grab the other one, and he looked at my with this "holy shit" look on his face and said "oh my god...". Yeah, lefty's still pretty messed up. But we'll worry about that guy later. Focus is on righty's recovery right now. :)

Anyways, he said I can walk, he said I can swim, I can ride the stationery bike, etc. Pretty much, I'm free to go! I was so confused when he told me I could walk.... I asked him if he know how painful it was to put weight on it...he said "well it's going to take some time to ween yourself off the crutches. Probably 5-7 days." I told him I thought that was pretty aggressive, but go figure, 2 hours later I am practically running around my office at work... I still had to use the crutches but was putting 80% of my weight on it!

The nurse was really helpful. I couldn't touch my toes to the ground, and I was having so much pain in the ball of my foot (and the top of my foot...Doc said there's nothing wrong, the pain is from not using it, that it would get better)... but my toes didn't touch the ground, so I wasn't sure how to walk... She slowly pushed my toes down to the ground (I am holding my breath during all this), she held them there for a few seconds, picked up her hands, and voila! Toes were touching the ground, they stayed! It was exciting!

I spent most of yesterday with 80% of the weight on my foot. By the end of the day it was as swollen as it was 4 weeks post op. But I iced and elevated, and it went right back down, thankfully! They gave me a good go-by...she said put 25% of my weight on it for 25% of the day for 2 days or until I don't feel pain when doing so, they move to 50%, etc. It was pretty sore this morning, so I might have to take it a little slower, but I did get to swim today! That was really fun. I felt so free! It was SO NICE TO ENGAGE ALL OF MY MUSCLES AT ONE TIME! I'm so tired of isolating a muscle group to work out! Ahhh! I swam for 20 minutes and did maybe 8 laps. hehe. Pretty slow but I don't mind. I used a noodle under me for most of it, wasn't using my legs the whole time, I was pretty nervous. But it was less painful than I anticipated! I'm going to wait until I can bear 100% of my weight on it before I move to the bike. I think that's smart. I'm so happy to be able to go to the gym again.

After today, I have a very positive feeling. A much more positive feeling than I did after I had my last ankle surgery. I have my first PT appt next Friday, but I probably won't go too often. It's not like I have to gain a lot of strength back...the surgeon fixed that for me! I'm wayyy better off now than I was before surgery! I don't need a PT appt to make me do the exercises. I am PLENTY motivated on my own. :) I will just go check in so they can monitor my progress, but don't want to spend thousands of dollars having them watch me do the stupid theraband. :) Besides, the Doc already told me I have my strength back after the little test he did.

Okay, enough for now, but yippie!

Day 69+

2009-01-13T10:18:00.001-08:00

DSC01004_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Is this not the most beautiful ankle you have ever seen?! (Dead serious)! The pic is day 66+. This thing looks amazing! It's starting to feel much better too. It's hard for me to notice the progress, but people are starting to notice that I am better. I am up more and for longer periods of time. I can keep my foot down for HOURS now, oh my gosh, hooray!

I ice during the day now, I started this last week. There's more swelling than I think there should be, and I'm determined to get it down. My heel is squishy, it's gross. There's a part of the outside of my heel I can't touch, it makes me dizzy, and when I cross my legs it displaces some tendon, very strange feeling. But it looks so darn good!

Friday I was feeling extremely anxious and had had a couple beers and decided to put a LITTLE bit of pressure on it while in the boot WITH the assistance of my crutches and I found that i COULD! I even tried it the next day, sans beers, and I COULD! So I am assuming the the Dr. will tell me Friday that this is okay, or I wouldn't be attempting it. I really don't want to mess this up!

It gets very sore at the end of the day. I went a couple days w/o pain meds just as a reality check to make sure I could, and I can and I did. It hurt and I didn't sleep worth a sh*t, but I can. I'm cutting it in half anyways, so that's good, but it helps me get better rest. The ball of my foot and the bones on top still REALLY hurt. All the time. I hope that goes away next. :)

Doc. appointment Friday, wish me luck. Maybe I'll be able to swim soon. I hope so, I'm getting really mushy!! My tummy is like the Pillsbury dough boy. Hehee!

Pain: 0-1 during the day, 10 if I put too much weight on it, and 1 at the end of the day.

Quote: "We acquire the strength we have overcome." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Day 66+, Comparison

2009-01-13T10:09:00.001-08:00

DSC00999_72_2
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Note pocket of swelling on left foot that has now vanished from the right foot! I hope it's gone forever! I thought that was normal, but apparently it is not!

Left Ankle (no op)

2009-01-13T10:08:00.001-08:00

DSC01003_72_2
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Note pocket of swelling present on left foot, that was present on right prior to surgery.

Day 66+

2009-01-13T10:07:00.001-08:00

DSC01004_-1+66+_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

View of Day -1 (pre-op) and Day 66+ (post-op). My new ankle is BEAUTIFUL!

Day 65+

2009-01-13T10:05:00.001-08:00

DSC00998_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Yes, it still gets extremely blue and red when I have it down for too long. But that is usually at the end of the day. I can now have my foot down for hours at a time! Hours! Oh my gosh, yay!!! (It's still more comfortable if it's up, but the point is that I CAN put it down!)

Quote: "Fall seven times, stand up eight.": - Japanese proverb

Pain: is a 1, when it hurts, which is at the end of the day and if I put too much pressure on it, I sky rocket to between a 6 and 10. :)

Day 64+

2009-01-08T12:27:00.001-08:00

2009-01-02T22:08:00.001-08:00

DSC00919_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

So it's day 58 post op, I am more than 8 weeks since surgery. Hard to believe. Image is from day 55+. I was scratching my foot, there was a tiny piece of what I thought was a scab that was itching, but wasn't ready to come off yet. But I scratched at it some more, subconsciously, and what do you know, I pulled out a stitch! The woman left it in my foot! Crazy!

Anyways, there have been some hard days the past couple weeks. The time is going by slower and slower, days are harder and harder. I take a half a vicodin before I go to bed, and the doc said that was okay. I don't really even take much Advil during the day, I don't find that it does much, I will occasionally take it praying it will help with some of the swelling. That pocket of swelling on the inside of my foot is still there.

I have two more weeks on crutches. I can do the full alphabet pretty well. I called the doc a few days ago to ask if I could start swimming. I hate swimming, but I'm ready to get out of this rut I am stuck in against my will. He said not yet. Which I understand, but it did make me cry. I guess I didn't really think he'd say no. I wasn't ready for that answer.

I'm thankful that it is a new year, I needed something to give me a little uplifting, positive energy. The start of a new year always helps.

We ate dinner out for NYE, and the restaurant was too crowded for me to elevate my foot on another chair. So I had my foot down for the whole dinner, the longest its been down since surgery. It was painful. I was in a lot of pain for the rest of the evening. Not so much fun. I can't believe I still can't put it down for as long as I'd like. Probably another sign I'm not quite ready to swiim. :)

Pain: 1

Day 51+

2008-12-26T19:43:00.001-08:00

DSC00882_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

It's day 51 post op, wow! Photo is from day 50+. It's looking really, really great, and feeling better even though the progress is slow. It's hard to see day to day progress, but week to week and month to month progress is quite evident. Thank goodness!

I can almost bend my right foot towards my body as much as my left. The swelling goes down every day, and the scab/scars look better every day as well. It's...*tear*...starting to resemble a real and possibly healthy ankle! I have a long way to go, the bones, especially the ones on the top of my foot and the ball of my foot still feel broken, the heel feels better, it can touch blankets and things without being super painful.

I'm able to "workout" too, a little! Today was my most "normal" day since before surgery. I went tanning, got a salad from Central Market, worked out, etc. Three normal things! Yay! My workouts are fun, one-legged fun, of course. But today I was doing jumping jacks on my left leg with no pain in the right whatsoever!

3 weeks until my next doctor's appointment. Yay! I'm glad its 3 weeks and not 2, I know I need as much time in between as possible. Maybe I won't nearly pass out at the next appointment. :)

Pain: yeah it hurts, i worked out today. ;) pain is a 2.
Quote: "A person is not old until regrets take the place of dreams" - John Barrymore

Day 46+

2008-12-21T16:34:00.001-08:00

DSC00556_13+30+44_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

O-kay, I went and got cast #2 removed a couple days ago. I didn't get as close to passing out as I did when they removed the first cast, but still had to lie down for a moment. So I'm now in a walking boot that I am not allowed to walk in. Hilarious. But that's okay, I'm not ready to walk yet. My bones hurt so much. The ligaments, the tendons, the screw, everything hurts so much.

Friday (cast removal day) and Saturday were pretty much unbearable. Being out of that nice, protective cast was quite a shock to my entire leg. It, nor I, were very happy. But it was nice to be able to wash and shave my leg, and put some lotion on the ENORMOUS cracks on my foot. The pain was incredible. My foot is SO tight, as expected, but I didn't expect my heel to hurt whenever I move my foot. Every time. Not to mention that the surgeon's assistant GRABBED MY HEEL...hello....?! And that wasn't even the worst part. As they are fitting me for the boot, they are strapping one of the straps across the top of my foot and they squeezed it too tight and if felt like they broke a bone in the top of my foot. Instant tears. The surgeon came back by, incredibly confused, asking what was wrong, b/c I was just fine two minutes ago. :) Yay. So that sucked. It was like they pushed a button that was marked "cry." And tears came without actually *crying* if that makes sense, and then they were gone. Wow. I shouldn't have written all that, I'm not sure I ever want to relive that.

However, it is Sunday and after 2 days of vicodin and tears, I feel much, much better! Thank God!! I know I have already gained a bit of flexibility, the pain is nowhere near as intense, and my foot is not as hypersensitive as it was Friday. I am still non-weightbearing for four more weeks, but that's okay. I'm laying around sans boot b/c I don't like it...it's wayyy too heavy, my poor baby leg and ankle can't support the weight of it. I mean, my leg is the size of my arm. How am I supposed to hold any weight?! I have no muscle! Heck, I don't even have anything besides bone and a thin layer of skin over my shinbone! I hope I don't cut my leg shaving b/c I'll probably accidentally shave off some of my bone! What do skinny people do when they have to shave their legs?!

Okay, enough from me. Pic above is day 13, 30 and two of day 44 (before and after shower).

Pain: it hurts
Quote: box is at work. :(

Day 42+, 6 weeks post-op!

2008-12-17T18:13:00.001-08:00

DSC00494_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Yes, this picture is old. I was looking through my "ankle" photos to choose which one I was going to post with this...post... and I saw this and just couldn't believe it... I can't even believe that this happened, that this is me in this photo, that this whole crazy charade actually occurred. 6 weeks ago. I barely remember this photo. I mean, I do, but..wow. It was so long ago!

I feel good. I mean, it hurts, don't get me wrong, but I feel like it hurts today because I was hard on it yesterday. I "worked out" for 30 minutes. Now, bear in mind that my "work out" is much different than a work out I would do pre-op. This thirty minutes is spent switching between ab work, arm work, and leg lifts. Bo-ring. But it made me feel like I was really doing something, so that's good. I'm going to keep it up. But seriously, I am sore today. Ridiculous!

The not-working-out thing is really starting to get to me. I'm starting to over-analyze everything. I do this to some extent anyways, but it just gets a whole lot worse at times like these. Simple things, are oh-so-complicated for me. I started writing the details, but... I'll spare you. Anyways. it's temporary, or so I tell myself. :)

Pain: it varies. Before half a vicodin: 3. After: 0.5
Quote: "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." - Audre Lorde. Well, Audre, I don't know about you, but I am quite fearful of Friday morning. Great, I am now talking back to the quotes. I'm really losing it. ;) Has anyone seen my cookie?

Day 40+

2008-12-15T19:10:00.001-08:00

DSC00658_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

I'm close to 6 weeks post op and feeling better physically and worse mentally. My Dad made a good point... I had told him that I really didn't feel any improvement in my ankle, that it still hurt as much as it did three weeks ago. However, 3-4 weeks ago, I was on pain pills all day, with a pain level of 3 or 4. Now I'm off pain meds, with a pain level of 3 or 4. And actually, I'm really at a 0 when I wake up in the morning, and it begins to hurt worse and worse as the day progresses. But never above a 3...or 4...

It feels good today. Hurt yesterday, but I over worked it yesterday and payed the price immediately. :) I'm supposed to get the cast off on Friday, but I am scared b/c I feel I have too much pain to be in a walking boot at this point. I never thought I would say that, I figured I would be itching, literally, to get out of this cast. But instead I'd like a new one. :) Give me one more week in a cast. :)

Almost of 6 weeks and no exercise has started to take its toll on me, mentally. I am losing motivation, not exactly super happy or excited about anything, very easily agitated, hardly any patience... worse than usual, etc. It's hard. I'm not sure what I'm going to do... just try to sleep alot until Friday when I get the update on my progress, I suppose. I wonder when I can start riding a bike and such? I don't think I'm quite ready to think about that yet. I can't imagine adding more pain onto what I have now. I want it to really feel awesome before I go and over work it...some more.

pain: 1
quote: "Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds." - Orison Swett Marden. crazy name.

Day 35+, 5 weeks!

2008-12-10T16:18:00.001-08:00

DSC00556_13+30_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Today is officially 5 weeks from surgery. The pain is still there. Now its in the bottom inside of my foot, like I said yesterday. This picture is a comparison of day 13 and day 30, when I got my first and second casts on. The doc said the swelling had gone down a lot but I don't see that. In fact, it looked more swollen to me on cast round deux. But whatever. I get this cast off next Friday, hard to believe. I really don't want it off. It feels safe in there, my ankle. But this one is loose already. Amazing how small my entire leg has gotten. It's really quite gross. I can't touch my kneecap at all because it's so bony it hurts to touch. Seriously. Ew.

Pain: 3.5 New shooting pains today, fun.
Quote: damn! Now I owe two quotes!...the quote book is at work! Sheesh!

Day 34+

2008-12-09T16:14:00.001-08:00

DSC00652_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

So technically today is day 34 of post-op, but this photo was taken on day 30. It will be 5 weeks post op tomorrow, hard to believe. Well, maybe not so hard. I was having a lot of pain last week, so I called the Dr., and went in for a replacement cast. After quite a bit of pain that day, I'd say I got up to 4-5 range, it finally subsided after a full 24 hours in the new, tighter cast. I was at 0 pain over the weekend, but that quickly ended sunday evening. If I stay in bed and don't move all weekend, I can get my pain down pretty low. But how realistic is that?

I'm at a 4 again right now. It feels like there is a pocket of swelling on the bottom inside of my foot that just will not go away. strange, but that is where it hurts the absolute most. it is taking all of my attention away from any other pain. I'd say my foot looks about the same now as it did day 13, when the splint was removed and i got my first cast. maybe sub the redness for dry, cracked skin.

i cant even finish this post, i have to get something to drink to take some pain meds. uh, advil is sooo over-rated. the good news is im not taking much of the pain killers anymore, and actually went without them entirely for a good week and a half. now i take maybe 175 mg at night. my Rx is for like 500 mg every 4 hours. so i'm doing well id say!

okay, more tomorrow.

pain: 4
quote: ahh! where are my cards?! quote coming later! eek!

Day 27+ post op, Day 14+ cast #1

2008-12-02T09:32:00.001-08:00

DSC00563_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

I have to specify cast #1 b/c I am going back to the Dr. this Friday, earlier than planned, to have the cast removed, foot examined, and casted again. I'm having more pain than usual, I feel a lot of pressure on the inside of my foot, the heel, the toes, etc. Different pains than before, too. I can only have my foot down for a minute or so, before toes are completely purple and im in quite a bit of pain. as soon as i elevate my foot, my toes regain their normal color, within seconds. but why are they going numb, and so much more often now than ever? the cast is getting looser, so... what gives? the dr. assistant said i probably have done too much on it, and need to stay off of it. which is humorous, considering i cant actually "be" on it since i am still NWB. but even laying in bed last night, it was going numb. very uncomfortable. im so uncomfortable, its starting to drive me a little mad. not crazy mad, just a little. its hard at night, i have a really hard time getting comfortable. i just want to cry out of sheer frustration. im getting tired, depressed, etc. i just want to sleep the days away until this is over.

its been almost four weeks now, and its really sinking in that i havent exercised. my body knows, i can feel it everywhere, especially mentally. i feel like i am going to crawl out of my skin. i need to stay sedated somehow, so that i can remain calm and get through this. the good news about being depressed is that you dont want to be excited, happy or run around. you just want to sleep. its sad, i know, but its hard. granted, im not nearly as bad as i thought i would be, but that doesn't make getting through it any easier. *sigh*

I know I'm closer and closer to getting through this, and I know I will, and I'll be just fine in the end. I know that. :) But seriously, my back hurts from sitting in the same position for four weeks. :)

Pain: You know, I should have rated my numbness/tingling from the start. Oh well.... Pain: 3, with lots of tingling...falling asleep feeling.
Quote: "Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you stop pedaling." -Claude Pepper ...I have bad news for Claude.... I can't pedal right now, I only have one leg!!! :)

pic is still from day 13+.

Day 26+

2008-12-01T08:00:00.001-08:00

DSC00562_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Well, the good news is: November 5th is no longer visible when I pull up my iCal, which is great, the surgery date is further and further away, theoretically meaning I am closer to recovery and feeling better each day. The bad news is: I am not feeling better. Its like one step forward, three steps back. I was hoping for vice-versa.

I can only have my foot down for a minute or so, and now when I do, my toes go completely purple, and fast. They appear to be dead, like my circulation is cut off. A nurse friend of mine says it doesn't look good, so that concerns me. I am having a lot of pain in my heel, but not just there now. When I put my foot down I feel pressure on the inside of my foot as well. This is new. Me=not happy.

I'm so frustrated right now. I just began to be able to start doing more things, which is great, and now I feel like that's being yanked away from me. I'm only okay when I'm at home, in my bed, and not moving. I'm beginning to get a little depressed, which REALLY sucks because I have been so overly happy for the past 3 weeks, week 4 is proving to be quite stressful and frustrating thus far.

Pain: 3
Quote: And thank God for this quote today, maybe this will get me through this "super" Monday.... "Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." -John Wooden

Day 21+

2008-11-26T10:28:00.001-08:00

DSC00562_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

THREE WEEKS POST OP! Yippie! I don't have much to report, I don't feel any different. :) Although my larger than life screw doesn't look as big in this photo, that's kind of nice.

Pain: 1.5
Quote: "Try and fail but don't fail to try." -Stephen Kaggwa

Day 20+

2008-11-25T09:17:00.001-08:00

DSC00561_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Almost 3 weeks since surgery. I can't believe it's only day 20.
Feels like forever has gone by! I feel pretty good! I still can't have it hang for long, but there has been a definite improvement though. I'm up to a couple minutes from 10-30 seconds. I guess that proves it really has only been 20 days, I have plenty a ways to go so I won't over react just yet that it cant hang for hours on end.

Yesterday was my first day of work since Oct. 24th. It was great to be back, I'm so tired of being in my condo alone all day! Much better being here. Only problem, not very comfy. I mean, I am posted up on our couches, but for some reason my foot goes numb and my heel hurts like crazy. I did a decently long day yesterday, a full one for sure, which made it really sore. Then we headed up to Plano for Juan's mom's bday party, it hurt! Why, every time I see them, must I be in the worst shape?! I feel so bad! I came home last night and passed out the second I layed down. Woke up a few hours later to actually wash my face and brush my teeth!

It feels better this morning, I'd like to be able to last all day. At least its a short week. I'm happy to be back, I don't really want to leave! I was contemplating calling the Dr., my cast is sooo loose already, and it's only been 1 week. I'm worried that in another 3.5 it will be much too loose, and my ankle will have been banging around too much in the cast. I'm wondering if I should come in at the halfway mark and get a tighter one? Eh, whatever. I'll be fine.

Pain: 2
Quote: "The delay of our dreams does not mean they have been denied." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Day 14+

2008-11-19T14:42:00.001-08:00

DSC00572_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Yay! I got my cast yesterday! It's been two weeks today since surgery, and I feel pretty good. Not too much to report. I suppose that is good news in itself!

Pain: 1
Quote: "You won't realize the distance you've walked until you take a look around and realize how far you've been." -Unknown

Day 13+, splint removed, casted

2008-11-18T19:08:00.001-08:00

DSC00569_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Well, today was a big day. The first follow-up. 13 days post-op. Wow. So, it was a little worse than I thought it was going to be, I guess in some ways, in other ways not.

Several hours were spent at the dr.'s office today, first, they removed the splint, which probably took 30 mins. I can't believe how much gauze was under there! Glad it wasn't my leg that was that big and swollen! My leg is actually very tiny already, *tear*. What I wasn't prepared for, was all of the blood and drainage that was going to be in the gauze. Dried, and stuck to my foot. Gross and ouch. So they finally got all that off, and we went to xray. Another 30 min. And I had my foot hovering over each xray film, b/c I couldn't bear to put my foot down. Any slight touch to my heel was unbearable.

Then the doc comes in. I'm soooo happy to see him. He's a great guy and doctor. Dr. Royer. He's a good man. So he looks at me, says I look good, answers a couple questions for me, clarifies exactly what he did in surgery, and says he'll see my back in 4 weeks when hopefully, I will be through with the cast and will be in a walking boot, whoot whoot! That is definite progress, I thought I would be casted for 6-8 weeks, but Dr. didn't do the tendon xfer he thought he would need to, so maybe I saved a couple weeks there.

Surgery: cut heel bone, move over 10mm (1cm), insert screw, LARGE screw! Repair torn tendons and repair/reattach stretched out ligaments. I have 3 incisions, 2 huge ones on the outside of my ankle, and one tiny one on the back of my heel. Lots of stitches. Yes, that was the next phase. Stitches have to come out today. NOT FUN. At all. So once those were removed, another 20 min, with 5-10 minutes in between each of these events while different people were in and out of the room...this is sounding like a horrible experience but it really wasn't, although it was painful and even Juan felt faint when they were removing the stitches. It didn't help that I was squeeling b/c of the pain. I actually said out loud, "geez, how do kids handle this?!" oh yeah, KIDS dont have to have this surgery! ha! duh. it takes years to do the kind of damage i have done. :)

So I finally get my cast, I ask him to put a ridiculous amount of padding in, which he says won't do me any good but be uncomfortable in the end, so i have this pretty black cast that is so small compared to the big splint i was lugging around!

All in all, it was a successful day, and I am progressing very well. As I was laying on the xray table, I was thinking about the last day I left boxing class, when I told the instructor I was out for ankle reconstruction, and she told me I was hard core. Lying there today, I began to understand a whole new level of "hard core." I'm raising my leg in the air, looking at these ginormous incisions thinking, "all those years of soccer, I can't believe I did this, that I played through all this, that I'm actually laying here looking at this, and I'm not even playing college ball anymore..." It was just really, really, weird. I grew up a little more today. I'm not exactly itching to get back on that field...I'm just happy that I will be able to walk and run again. :)

Pain: 2
Quote: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." -M. Kathleen Casey...Well, M. Casey, I'm not so sure I agree with you today. :) Those stitches were stingers!

DSC00567_72

2008-11-18T18:52:00.003-08:00

DSC00567_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

ankle, post op day 13+, 11/18/08

DSC00552_72

2008-11-18T18:52:00.001-08:00

DSC00552_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

ankle, post op day 13+, 11/18/08

DSC00556_72

2008-11-18T18:51:00.001-08:00

DSC00556_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

ankle, post op day 13+, 11/18/08

DSC00549_72

2008-11-18T18:50:00.001-08:00

DSC00549_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

ankle, post op day 13+, 11/18/08, removing the gauze.

DSC00548_72

2008-11-18T18:49:00.001-08:00

DSC00548_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

ankle, post op day 13+, 11/18/08, removing the gauze.

Day 12+

2008-11-17T13:20:00.001-08:00

DSC00515_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

First day of tears. I want to go outside soooo badly. It's 76 and sunny and I'm tied to this stupid bed. I just want to go outside. I'm so bored, unmotivated, it's so not me. I can't stop crying. to be continued....

OOOOkay, I have regained my composure, thank you Mister House. I was able to get outside (in the daylight) and we took a nice drive in the new car with the top down to Paciugo and got some gelato. The perfect fix. I feel much better having gotten to see the outside world in the light. Who would've guessed, the trees are changing color? Go figure?!

Foot is the best today that it's been. I feel like I can have it down for a minute or so, depending on what I'm doing, before the pins and needles set in. I'm going to load up on the advil tonight, and although this will be two full days free of pain meds, I might let myself have one tomorrow depending on how painful the Dr. appt. is. Hopefully it won't be bad. I'd like to be rid of the meds until I really start rehabbing, or god forbid, get another injury...eek, dare I even say that at this point?! I guess it's realistic, although not optimal.

Pain today: 2

Quote: this made me laugh, especially following my iPhone shenanigans....Apparently you can hear a lot better if you remove the sticker covering the earpiece, I'll leave it at that. :) "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas Edison

*Photo is a picture of my heel now, with screw in place. This one's really mine.

Day 11+

2008-11-16T13:04:00.001-08:00

DSC00492_72
Originally uploaded by megalitz

Is it really only day 11? Hmmm, thought I was further along than that. Well, I feel the same today, pretty good, considering. We went out to dinner last night for Juan's birthday, again, and it was extremely difficult. There's just no way to get comfortable, keeping your leg elevated in restaurant chairs. I fought back tears several times, but was successful. It felt so good to get home, back in bed, with my foot raised. Ugh. I'm so sick of being in this stupid bed, it's starting to drive me nuts. I don't have the motivation to do projects like I thought I would. I set myself up with plenty of things to do, but I find myself just laying here, watching mostly mindless tv and being lazy. It's hard when you're in bed 24 hours a day. I can't wait until I don't have to elevate my leg constantly. I wonder what the doctor will say? Am I behind schedule? Should I be able to have it hang by now? I wonder what it looks like under there? I will probably not be happy when I see it, only because this huge splint gives me this false sense of security/confidence. But when my foot is out in the open, not surrounded by inches and inches of padding and metal support, I'm certain I'll want that cast on there ASAP.

This picture is of me and Juan waiting for my name to be called to go back and get all suited up for surgery, it's 630am and i am THIRSTY!!! that no eating/drinking thing is rough. :)

Pain today: It's hard to judge, there's no more pain when I am just laying here. If I shift the splint so it hits the side of my ankle, yes, that hurts, it gets very sore, but I can't really gauge the pain at this point. But to give it a number, I'll give it a 2.
Quote: "The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; The optimist, the opportunity in every difficulty." -L.P. Jacks

Day 10+

2008-11-15T16:26:00.001-08:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

I woke up feeling pretty good today! Granted it was 1pm, but at least I got some rest and I feel better. This is a pre-op photo, my foot is still in a splint, getting a cast on Tuesday.

Pain: 3
Quote: "Determination, patience and courage are the only things needed to improve any situation." -Peter Sinclair

Day 9+

2008-11-14T13:35:00.001-08:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Well, I thought I'd post a more positive picture today, in an attempt to cheer me up and remind me that I will, one day, be normal again. I feel crappy today, not really sure why. I feel like I'm sick, but I know I'm not. Probably just a little depressed, with good reason. I get my cast on Tuesday, I almost can't believe it. Exciting to move onto phase 2, but I'm also nervous because my foot gets really sore in the splint, and it will be worse in the cast because there is less padding there.

Anyways, just rambling. My foot is the same as its been the last three days, a terrible horrible feeling when I don't have it elevated. I can let it down for about 45 seconds before I can't bear it. I was hoping to be past 2 minutes by now. Oh well. At least my sister is coming to visit next weekend!

Pain today: 4.5
Quote: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."" -Mary Anne Radmacher

Day 8+

2008-11-13T14:39:00.001-08:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Sooo, I missed a day of blogging, oh well. Instead I got to get an iPhone! Yippie! I signed up for it online, and thought my boss would be able to pick it up for me, but it turned out that I had to be there to sign for the 2-yr contract with AT&T. I knew my foot wasn't ready for that. But I really wanted that iPhone! So I went. And so I am paying for it today. It hurts pretty badly today. I didn't sleep well at all, it's very sore, and when I put it down from its elevated position, it hurts about three times as bad as usual when the blood rushes down to my toes. its a different feeling then before too, it makes me a bit nervous. But I did get the phone, which actually has what we're hoping is a software and not a hardware issue that I am trying to fix right now.

But I took it easy today. My boyfriend's sister and her new baby came over and brought me lunch and hung out with me, it was lots of fun. Nice to have some company and good timing since I was pretty down today b/c I feel like I took a step backwards. My splint feels looser, which I guess is good since that means the overall swelling is down, but it actually makes it hurt more b/c my leg is banging against the sides of it, making it really sore. Anyways, thats my recap.

Day 7 (yesterday) pain: 5.5
Quote: "Greatness is not measured by what a man or woman accomplishes, but by the opposition he or she has ov ercome to reach his goals." -Dorothy Height

Day 8 pain: 6.75
Quote: "If you want to get somewhere you have to know where you want to go and how to get there. Then never, never, never give up." -Norman Vincent Peale

Day 6+

2008-11-11T21:43:00.001-08:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

More pictures of me passed out! Terrrrriffic! Thanks boyfriend.

Today's okay. I need to go back and read more of Rick's blog (fellow calcaneal osteotomy survivor...thats so funny!) and see what I should expect here in the next week, month, etc. I mean, I feel good right now, but I'm mostly referring to my mental health and the fact that I am not nauseous. The pain is definitely still there, most especially when I stand up. I still can only make it to the bathroom and back. I did some leg lifts and sit ups today, I can feel it in my ankle for sure. damnit!

Short post today, getting sleepy. Thanks for stayin' with me guys, my appointment is Nov. 18th, when I get the splint off and will get to see the gruesomeness underneath this monstrosity, then I'll have my cast. And I should apologize for anything I repeat, see, the pain pills make you lose your memory, its nuts!

Pain level today: um, i should really record two or three recordings, am, mid day, and pm.

AM: 4

Mid-day: 5

PM: 7

Quote: "Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach." -Anthony Robbins (good quote K, all these are good! okay, well its only day 2 of the quotes, but they were both super so far!)

Day 5+

2008-11-10T19:25:00.001-08:00

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Originally uploaded by megalitz

Well, I feel a bit better! It's nice! I actually didn't sleep the whole day away, which was nice. Maybe I will again tomorrow, I dunno. I got really excited today and showered, as best I could, and cleaned up my new bedroom (our living room) a bit, kinda organized our new entertainment center, then after that my foot was kiiiiilling me so i had to take some meds and now i have about five minutes before i am out.

Juan snuck some photos of me knocked out this past week. They are pretty funny, I'm so passed out, pain killers are no joke! I feel like I should be on Intervention, I started this post with a bunch of things to say, but I can't remember any of them at the time. *sigh*.

My sister sent me a really sweet gift. It was a little card file/box she made, and it was filled with notecards. On the back of each notecard, she wrote a motivational/inspirational quote to help me with my recovery. I will post the day's quote along with the pain rating on the bottom of each post. Although it's pretty sore right now (mainly from my activity earlier), it feels pretty good. I did call the nurse today, I wasn't sure what to do b/c I would elevate my foot all day/night long, but then I would lose feeling in my toes, but when I put my leg back down, all the blood would rush to the bottom of my foot and I felt like it was swelling. She said it's normal, and not to worry. :)

Pain average today: 5
Quote of the day: "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
-Helen Keller

Day 4+

2008-11-09T17:40:00.000-08:00

hurts today, of course, but its a different kind of hurt. the areas around the incisions are sore i know for a fact, w/o knowing exactly where the incisions are. ive had my leg elevated since i left the hospital, and now i actually think my foot is numb because its been elevated so long. so i had to try to get some blood flowing back to it, but that's difficult b/c it's painful!

i can move my toes voluntarily today, without too much pain. i haven't taken much pain medicine today b/c i dont like how it makes me feel. but the pain is coming back in full force so i think ill take some tonight. i was up for most of the day today, feels like a long day! yesterday i had slept all day.

i also took a shower! this is big news! its definitely difficult, but it wasn't as bad as i thought it was. its harder to gather the strength to get to the bathroom then to actually take a bath! my toes won't stop tingling, not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. it feels like the circulation is cut off, but i'm in a splint, not a cast, so there should be some room for swelling. and it couldn't be more swollen than when i left the hospital.

well, thats enough for me, the computer puts me to sleep, something about the screen...goodnight.

approx. pain level today: 5

Day 3+

2008-11-08T15:30:00.000-08:00

hurts today, not much better. and actually my toes are starting to move/twitch now which is very painful. any slight movement of my foot down there is quite painful. I try not to move at all, but you can't help your body's involuntary movements. :(

slept most of the day away again, that's definitely the way to go. i'd like to wake up in a week or two when things are much better, and less painful.

pain average today: 5.5

Post-Op. Day 2+

2008-11-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Friday, I think, so that would put me at 2 days after surgery. I still don't feel so hot by any means, but I am less nauseous, so that's a good start.

I'm trying to find a good pain pill/phenegren combination. Right now I'm doing half a hydrocodone every 2 hours instead of 1 full pill every 4 hours. I feel like my body appreciates that. Then I can only take the phenegren every 6 hours, so that's what I'm doing now.

I hope everyday becomes easier and easier. I'm taking good care of it so far, the only time it's not elevated above my heart is when I have to use the restroom.

Today's pain average: 6

Post-Op. Day 1+

Pre-Op Day -42

2008-09-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm in tears. Again. Not b/c of pain, but b/c I'm absolutely scared to death to have this surgery. I don't want to do it, I want to back out. It's hard to think about making yourself miserable and immobile for 6 months when you feel "fine" at the time! I can run pretty well, in fact I just ran my fastest 10k time to date, 49 mins 5 seconds.

Everything seems so surreal right now, although I had a nice reality check today as I picked a co-worker up from the airport. She just had surgery on her ankle to remove a bone tumor. Let's just say her surgery was supposed to be much "easier" than mine, and she was in a whole lot of pain after hers. I know she'll recover just fine, but I'm not so sure about myself.

I've had surgeries before. Knee in '98, L ankle in '00. The knee was cake, arthroscopic. The ankle was HELL. And did I mention I woke up during the procedure? Ugh. It's been 8 years now, and I still have pain. It's awful. I know I "need" the surgery. I think. I mean, yeah, I know I do. Because I am 27 years old right now, and have crazy arthritis and if I step on a pebble in the street, crack in the sidewalk, small slope in the lawn, I'm a goner. That's not how I want to live the rest of my life. And sadly, that's what I have to think about right now. But I don't want to. I don't want to think about the "rest" of my life. I never have, so it's very hard to start now. I want to think about today, tomorrow, my game this weekend, etc. But it seems those days are over. And why the F*ck am I having such a GD time dealing with it?! Honestly, wtf is my problem?

I'm sitting here missing soccer, it's been almost one year since I've played. No one can really understand my relationship with soccer. The only way I can try to explain it is this: Imagine someone who has been addicted to heroin for 24 years, and try telling them to "just stop." Right. See, soccer's in my blood. I started when I was 3. I'm 27. EVERY day after school, that's what I did. My whole entire life is built around soccer. I feel like I am worthless w/o it. I mean, who am I w/o athletics at all? My Dad keeps trying to tell me that I'm not just athletics. But every time I hear a compliment, it's about how "in shape" I am, or how fast, or how strong, etc. etc. I feel like I am about to lose everything. And for what? I guess I'm risking ... whatever... so that I can have a better quality of life. But right now that's really hard to think about.

I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared most of all, that I'll never be active again. The doc says that won't happen. But, you never know. I'm scared that I'll never play soccer again. Which, realistically, might actually happen. But–I'm not playing now, and can't, so that won't be much of a change. The worst thing about not being active is the way it effects me mentally. (Effects or affects, and wtf is the damn difference?!) If I skip ONE day of my workout, I am a different person. Let me rephrase...I am an awful person. I'm not myself, I hate myself. I am antsy, have anxiety, I feel like my clothes are too tight on me, I can't sit still, I can't even breathe for that matter. What the f*ck am I going to do for six months?! It makes me so depressed not to release those endorphins or whatever they are. Not to mention the mental toll that it will take on me, but the physical one is a whole 'nother story. I'm going to get fat. And being fat gives me anxiety and low self esteem, demotivates me and makes me all around miserable and probably completely intolerable to other people. They are going to have to load me up with Xanex and I'm going to have to not eat for six months. Super. This sounds fun. Anyone else want to play?

I guess the days of rolling my ankle, hearing it snap and pop, even though it's already taped, mind you, and just throwing more, tighter tape on top of it, and going back out on the field, are over. But writing that, sounds dumb anyways. I would go through 2 rolls of tape for every game I played. One for each foot. And that only lasts about 45 minutes. B/c then the tape loosens up, and I have no protection. That or my toes go purple and it strains the tendon on the bottom of my foot, b/c I've taped it too tight. *sigh*. 2 rolls a game. I finally started to buy tape in bulk, but when I didn't, it's about $3.79 a roll. Not counting pre-wrap. So let's just say $4 a roll to be fair, so $8 a game, for two ankles. I was playing anywhere from 1-6 games a week. So we'll say 3. 3 games a week, times $8/game is $24/week. Times 52 weeks in a year is $1248. Now that's just on tape. That doesn't include X-Rays and Dr.s appts when the tape didn't hold and I'd blow it out. Which at the end of last year, was happening every 6-8 weeks, like clockwork. However, by the end of last year, I also stopped going to see the Dr., b/c I felt like it was a waste of my time. He was telling me I needed surgery and I was being resistant. He was giving me cortisone shots that didn't work, b/c the ankle was too messed up to even begin to help the problem. *sigh*...again.

Well, that's it for now. I apologize for my language, but really, this site is going to be my own way of dealing with this situation. So if it offends you, don't read it.