Pre-Op Day -42

Well, I'm in tears. Again. Not b/c of pain, but b/c I'm absolutely scared to death to have this surgery. I don't want to do it, I want to back out. It's hard to think about making yourself miserable and immobile for 6 months when you feel "fine" at the time! I can run pretty well, in fact I just ran my fastest 10k time to date, 49 mins 5 seconds. 

Everything seems so surreal right now, although I had a nice reality check today as I picked a co-worker up from the airport. She just had surgery on her ankle to remove a bone tumor. Let's just say her surgery was supposed to be much "easier" than mine, and she was in a whole lot of pain after hers. I know she'll recover just fine, but I'm not so sure about myself.

I've had surgeries before. Knee in '98, L ankle in '00. The knee was cake, arthroscopic. The ankle was HELL. And did I mention I woke up during the procedure? Ugh. It's been 8 years now, and I still have pain. It's awful. I know I "need" the surgery. I think. I mean, yeah, I know I do. Because I am 27 years old right now, and have crazy arthritis and if I step on a pebble in the street, crack in the sidewalk, small slope in the lawn, I'm a goner. That's not how I want to live the rest of my life. And sadly, that's what I have to think about right now. But I don't want to. I don't want to think about the "rest" of my life. I never have, so it's very hard to start now. I want to think about today, tomorrow, my game this weekend, etc. But it seems those days are over. And why the F*ck am I having such a GD time dealing with it?! Honestly, wtf is my problem? 

I'm sitting here missing soccer, it's been almost one year since I've played. No one can really understand my relationship with soccer. The only way I can try to explain it is this: Imagine someone who has been addicted to heroin for 24 years, and try telling them to "just stop." Right. See, soccer's in my blood. I started when I was 3. I'm 27. EVERY day after school, that's what I did. My whole entire life is built around soccer. I feel like I am worthless w/o it. I mean, who am I w/o athletics at all? My Dad keeps trying to tell me that I'm not just athletics. But every time I hear a compliment, it's about how "in shape" I am, or how fast, or how strong, etc. etc. I feel like I am about to lose everything. And for what? I guess I'm risking ... whatever... so that I can have a better quality of life. But right now that's really hard to think about.

I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared most of all, that I'll never be active again. The doc says that won't happen. But, you never know. I'm scared that I'll never play soccer again. Which, realistically, might actually happen. But–I'm not playing now, and can't, so that won't be much of a change. The worst thing about not being active is the way it effects me mentally. (Effects or affects, and wtf is the damn difference?!) If I skip ONE day of my workout, I am a different person. Let me rephrase...I am an awful person. I'm not myself, I hate myself. I am antsy, have anxiety, I feel like my clothes are too tight on me, I can't sit still, I can't even breathe for that matter. What the f*ck am I going to do for six months?!  It makes me so depressed not to release those endorphins or whatever they are. Not to mention the mental toll that it will take on me, but the physical one is a whole 'nother story. I'm going to get fat. And being fat gives me anxiety and low self esteem, demotivates me and makes me all around miserable and probably completely intolerable to other people. They are going to have to load me up with Xanex and I'm going to have to not eat for six months. Super. This sounds fun. Anyone else want to play?

I guess the days of rolling my ankle, hearing it snap and pop, even though it's already taped, mind you, and just throwing more, tighter tape on top of it, and going back out on the field, are over. But writing that, sounds dumb anyways. I would go through 2 rolls of tape for every game I played. One for each foot. And that only lasts about 45 minutes. B/c then the tape loosens up, and I have no protection. That or my toes go purple and it strains the tendon on the bottom of my foot, b/c I've taped it too tight. *sigh*. 2 rolls a game. I finally started to buy tape in bulk, but when I didn't, it's about $3.79 a roll. Not counting pre-wrap. So let's just say $4 a roll to be fair, so $8 a game, for two ankles. I was playing anywhere from 1-6 games a week. So we'll say 3. 3 games a week, times $8/game is $24/week. Times 52 weeks in a year is $1248. Now that's just on tape. That doesn't include X-Rays and Dr.s appts when the tape didn't hold and I'd blow it out. Which at the end of last year, was happening every 6-8 weeks, like clockwork. However, by the end of last year, I also stopped going to see the Dr., b/c I felt like it was a waste of my time. He was telling me I needed surgery and I was being resistant. He was giving me cortisone shots that didn't work, b/c the ankle was too messed up to even begin to help the problem. *sigh*...again.

Well, that's it for now. I apologize for my language, but really, this site is going to be my own way of dealing with this situation. So if it offends you, don't read it.