It's day 51 post op, wow! Photo is from day 50+. It's looking really, really great, and feeling better even though the progress is slow. It's hard to see day to day progress, but week to week and month to month progress is quite evident. Thank goodness!
I can almost bend my right foot towards my body as much as my left. The swelling goes down every day, and the scab/scars look better every day as well. It's...*tear*...starting to resemble a real and possibly healthy ankle! I have a long way to go, the bones, especially the ones on the top of my foot and the ball of my foot still feel broken, the heel feels better, it can touch blankets and things without being super painful.
I'm able to "workout" too, a little! Today was my most "normal" day since before surgery. I went tanning, got a salad from Central Market, worked out, etc. Three normal things! Yay! My workouts are fun, one-legged fun, of course. But today I was doing jumping jacks on my left leg with no pain in the right whatsoever!
3 weeks until my next doctor's appointment. Yay! I'm glad its 3 weeks and not 2, I know I need as much time in between as possible. Maybe I won't nearly pass out at the next appointment. :)
Pain: yeah it hurts, i worked out today. ;) pain is a 2.
Quote: "A person is not old until regrets take the place of dreams" - John Barrymore
Friday, December 26, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Day 46+
O-kay, I went and got cast #2 removed a couple days ago. I didn't get as close to passing out as I did when they removed the first cast, but still had to lie down for a moment. So I'm now in a walking boot that I am not allowed to walk in. Hilarious. But that's okay, I'm not ready to walk yet. My bones hurt so much. The ligaments, the tendons, the screw, everything hurts so much.
Friday (cast removal day) and Saturday were pretty much unbearable. Being out of that nice, protective cast was quite a shock to my entire leg. It, nor I, were very happy. But it was nice to be able to wash and shave my leg, and put some lotion on the ENORMOUS cracks on my foot. The pain was incredible. My foot is SO tight, as expected, but I didn't expect my heel to hurt whenever I move my foot. Every time. Not to mention that the surgeon's assistant GRABBED MY HEEL...hello....?! And that wasn't even the worst part. As they are fitting me for the boot, they are strapping one of the straps across the top of my foot and they squeezed it too tight and if felt like they broke a bone in the top of my foot. Instant tears. The surgeon came back by, incredibly confused, asking what was wrong, b/c I was just fine two minutes ago. :) Yay. So that sucked. It was like they pushed a button that was marked "cry." And tears came without actually *crying* if that makes sense, and then they were gone. Wow. I shouldn't have written all that, I'm not sure I ever want to relive that.
However, it is Sunday and after 2 days of vicodin and tears, I feel much, much better! Thank God!! I know I have already gained a bit of flexibility, the pain is nowhere near as intense, and my foot is not as hypersensitive as it was Friday. I am still non-weightbearing for four more weeks, but that's okay. I'm laying around sans boot b/c I don't like it...it's wayyy too heavy, my poor baby leg and ankle can't support the weight of it. I mean, my leg is the size of my arm. How am I supposed to hold any weight?! I have no muscle! Heck, I don't even have anything besides bone and a thin layer of skin over my shinbone! I hope I don't cut my leg shaving b/c I'll probably accidentally shave off some of my bone! What do skinny people do when they have to shave their legs?!
Okay, enough from me. Pic above is day 13, 30 and two of day 44 (before and after shower).
Pain: it hurts
Quote: box is at work. :(
Friday (cast removal day) and Saturday were pretty much unbearable. Being out of that nice, protective cast was quite a shock to my entire leg. It, nor I, were very happy. But it was nice to be able to wash and shave my leg, and put some lotion on the ENORMOUS cracks on my foot. The pain was incredible. My foot is SO tight, as expected, but I didn't expect my heel to hurt whenever I move my foot. Every time. Not to mention that the surgeon's assistant GRABBED MY HEEL...hello....?! And that wasn't even the worst part. As they are fitting me for the boot, they are strapping one of the straps across the top of my foot and they squeezed it too tight and if felt like they broke a bone in the top of my foot. Instant tears. The surgeon came back by, incredibly confused, asking what was wrong, b/c I was just fine two minutes ago. :) Yay. So that sucked. It was like they pushed a button that was marked "cry." And tears came without actually *crying* if that makes sense, and then they were gone. Wow. I shouldn't have written all that, I'm not sure I ever want to relive that.
However, it is Sunday and after 2 days of vicodin and tears, I feel much, much better! Thank God!! I know I have already gained a bit of flexibility, the pain is nowhere near as intense, and my foot is not as hypersensitive as it was Friday. I am still non-weightbearing for four more weeks, but that's okay. I'm laying around sans boot b/c I don't like it...it's wayyy too heavy, my poor baby leg and ankle can't support the weight of it. I mean, my leg is the size of my arm. How am I supposed to hold any weight?! I have no muscle! Heck, I don't even have anything besides bone and a thin layer of skin over my shinbone! I hope I don't cut my leg shaving b/c I'll probably accidentally shave off some of my bone! What do skinny people do when they have to shave their legs?!
Okay, enough from me. Pic above is day 13, 30 and two of day 44 (before and after shower).
Pain: it hurts
Quote: box is at work. :(
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Day 42+, 6 weeks post-op!
Yes, this picture is old. I was looking through my "ankle" photos to choose which one I was going to post with this...post... and I saw this and just couldn't believe it... I can't even believe that this happened, that this is me in this photo, that this whole crazy charade actually occurred. 6 weeks ago. I barely remember this photo. I mean, I do, but..wow. It was so long ago!
I feel good. I mean, it hurts, don't get me wrong, but I feel like it hurts today because I was hard on it yesterday. I "worked out" for 30 minutes. Now, bear in mind that my "work out" is much different than a work out I would do pre-op. This thirty minutes is spent switching between ab work, arm work, and leg lifts. Bo-ring. But it made me feel like I was really doing something, so that's good. I'm going to keep it up. But seriously, I am sore today. Ridiculous!
The not-working-out thing is really starting to get to me. I'm starting to over-analyze everything. I do this to some extent anyways, but it just gets a whole lot worse at times like these. Simple things, are oh-so-complicated for me. I started writing the details, but... I'll spare you. Anyways. it's temporary, or so I tell myself. :)
Pain: it varies. Before half a vicodin: 3. After: 0.5
Quote: "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." - Audre Lorde. Well, Audre, I don't know about you, but I am quite fearful of Friday morning. Great, I am now talking back to the quotes. I'm really losing it. ;) Has anyone seen my cookie?
I feel good. I mean, it hurts, don't get me wrong, but I feel like it hurts today because I was hard on it yesterday. I "worked out" for 30 minutes. Now, bear in mind that my "work out" is much different than a work out I would do pre-op. This thirty minutes is spent switching between ab work, arm work, and leg lifts. Bo-ring. But it made me feel like I was really doing something, so that's good. I'm going to keep it up. But seriously, I am sore today. Ridiculous!
The not-working-out thing is really starting to get to me. I'm starting to over-analyze everything. I do this to some extent anyways, but it just gets a whole lot worse at times like these. Simple things, are oh-so-complicated for me. I started writing the details, but... I'll spare you. Anyways. it's temporary, or so I tell myself. :)
Pain: it varies. Before half a vicodin: 3. After: 0.5
Quote: "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." - Audre Lorde. Well, Audre, I don't know about you, but I am quite fearful of Friday morning. Great, I am now talking back to the quotes. I'm really losing it. ;) Has anyone seen my cookie?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Day 40+
I'm close to 6 weeks post op and feeling better physically and worse mentally. My Dad made a good point... I had told him that I really didn't feel any improvement in my ankle, that it still hurt as much as it did three weeks ago. However, 3-4 weeks ago, I was on pain pills all day, with a pain level of 3 or 4. Now I'm off pain meds, with a pain level of 3 or 4. And actually, I'm really at a 0 when I wake up in the morning, and it begins to hurt worse and worse as the day progresses. But never above a 3...or 4...
It feels good today. Hurt yesterday, but I over worked it yesterday and payed the price immediately. :) I'm supposed to get the cast off on Friday, but I am scared b/c I feel I have too much pain to be in a walking boot at this point. I never thought I would say that, I figured I would be itching, literally, to get out of this cast. But instead I'd like a new one. :) Give me one more week in a cast. :)
Almost of 6 weeks and no exercise has started to take its toll on me, mentally. I am losing motivation, not exactly super happy or excited about anything, very easily agitated, hardly any patience... worse than usual, etc. It's hard. I'm not sure what I'm going to do... just try to sleep alot until Friday when I get the update on my progress, I suppose. I wonder when I can start riding a bike and such? I don't think I'm quite ready to think about that yet. I can't imagine adding more pain onto what I have now. I want it to really feel awesome before I go and over work it...some more.
pain: 1
quote: "Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds." - Orison Swett Marden. crazy name.
It feels good today. Hurt yesterday, but I over worked it yesterday and payed the price immediately. :) I'm supposed to get the cast off on Friday, but I am scared b/c I feel I have too much pain to be in a walking boot at this point. I never thought I would say that, I figured I would be itching, literally, to get out of this cast. But instead I'd like a new one. :) Give me one more week in a cast. :)
Almost of 6 weeks and no exercise has started to take its toll on me, mentally. I am losing motivation, not exactly super happy or excited about anything, very easily agitated, hardly any patience... worse than usual, etc. It's hard. I'm not sure what I'm going to do... just try to sleep alot until Friday when I get the update on my progress, I suppose. I wonder when I can start riding a bike and such? I don't think I'm quite ready to think about that yet. I can't imagine adding more pain onto what I have now. I want it to really feel awesome before I go and over work it...some more.
pain: 1
quote: "Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds." - Orison Swett Marden. crazy name.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Day 35+, 5 weeks!
Today is officially 5 weeks from surgery. The pain is still there. Now its in the bottom inside of my foot, like I said yesterday. This picture is a comparison of day 13 and day 30, when I got my first and second casts on. The doc said the swelling had gone down a lot but I don't see that. In fact, it looked more swollen to me on cast round deux. But whatever. I get this cast off next Friday, hard to believe. I really don't want it off. It feels safe in there, my ankle. But this one is loose already. Amazing how small my entire leg has gotten. It's really quite gross. I can't touch my kneecap at all because it's so bony it hurts to touch. Seriously. Ew.
Pain: 3.5 New shooting pains today, fun.
Quote: damn! Now I owe two quotes!...the quote book is at work! Sheesh!
Pain: 3.5 New shooting pains today, fun.
Quote: damn! Now I owe two quotes!...the quote book is at work! Sheesh!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Day 34+
So technically today is day 34 of post-op, but this photo was taken on day 30. It will be 5 weeks post op tomorrow, hard to believe. Well, maybe not so hard. I was having a lot of pain last week, so I called the Dr., and went in for a replacement cast. After quite a bit of pain that day, I'd say I got up to 4-5 range, it finally subsided after a full 24 hours in the new, tighter cast. I was at 0 pain over the weekend, but that quickly ended sunday evening. If I stay in bed and don't move all weekend, I can get my pain down pretty low. But how realistic is that?
I'm at a 4 again right now. It feels like there is a pocket of swelling on the bottom inside of my foot that just will not go away. strange, but that is where it hurts the absolute most. it is taking all of my attention away from any other pain. I'd say my foot looks about the same now as it did day 13, when the splint was removed and i got my first cast. maybe sub the redness for dry, cracked skin.
i cant even finish this post, i have to get something to drink to take some pain meds. uh, advil is sooo over-rated. the good news is im not taking much of the pain killers anymore, and actually went without them entirely for a good week and a half. now i take maybe 175 mg at night. my Rx is for like 500 mg every 4 hours. so i'm doing well id say!
okay, more tomorrow.
pain: 4
quote: ahh! where are my cards?! quote coming later! eek!
I'm at a 4 again right now. It feels like there is a pocket of swelling on the bottom inside of my foot that just will not go away. strange, but that is where it hurts the absolute most. it is taking all of my attention away from any other pain. I'd say my foot looks about the same now as it did day 13, when the splint was removed and i got my first cast. maybe sub the redness for dry, cracked skin.
i cant even finish this post, i have to get something to drink to take some pain meds. uh, advil is sooo over-rated. the good news is im not taking much of the pain killers anymore, and actually went without them entirely for a good week and a half. now i take maybe 175 mg at night. my Rx is for like 500 mg every 4 hours. so i'm doing well id say!
okay, more tomorrow.
pain: 4
quote: ahh! where are my cards?! quote coming later! eek!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Day 27+ post op, Day 14+ cast #1
I have to specify cast #1 b/c I am going back to the Dr. this Friday, earlier than planned, to have the cast removed, foot examined, and casted again. I'm having more pain than usual, I feel a lot of pressure on the inside of my foot, the heel, the toes, etc. Different pains than before, too. I can only have my foot down for a minute or so, before toes are completely purple and im in quite a bit of pain. as soon as i elevate my foot, my toes regain their normal color, within seconds. but why are they going numb, and so much more often now than ever? the cast is getting looser, so... what gives? the dr. assistant said i probably have done too much on it, and need to stay off of it. which is humorous, considering i cant actually "be" on it since i am still NWB. but even laying in bed last night, it was going numb. very uncomfortable. im so uncomfortable, its starting to drive me a little mad. not crazy mad, just a little. its hard at night, i have a really hard time getting comfortable. i just want to cry out of sheer frustration. im getting tired, depressed, etc. i just want to sleep the days away until this is over.
its been almost four weeks now, and its really sinking in that i havent exercised. my body knows, i can feel it everywhere, especially mentally. i feel like i am going to crawl out of my skin. i need to stay sedated somehow, so that i can remain calm and get through this. the good news about being depressed is that you dont want to be excited, happy or run around. you just want to sleep. its sad, i know, but its hard. granted, im not nearly as bad as i thought i would be, but that doesn't make getting through it any easier. *sigh*
I know I'm closer and closer to getting through this, and I know I will, and I'll be just fine in the end. I know that. :) But seriously, my back hurts from sitting in the same position for four weeks. :)
Pain: You know, I should have rated my numbness/tingling from the start. Oh well.... Pain: 3, with lots of tingling...falling asleep feeling.
Quote: "Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you stop pedaling." -Claude Pepper ...I have bad news for Claude.... I can't pedal right now, I only have one leg!!! :)
pic is still from day 13+.
its been almost four weeks now, and its really sinking in that i havent exercised. my body knows, i can feel it everywhere, especially mentally. i feel like i am going to crawl out of my skin. i need to stay sedated somehow, so that i can remain calm and get through this. the good news about being depressed is that you dont want to be excited, happy or run around. you just want to sleep. its sad, i know, but its hard. granted, im not nearly as bad as i thought i would be, but that doesn't make getting through it any easier. *sigh*
I know I'm closer and closer to getting through this, and I know I will, and I'll be just fine in the end. I know that. :) But seriously, my back hurts from sitting in the same position for four weeks. :)
Pain: You know, I should have rated my numbness/tingling from the start. Oh well.... Pain: 3, with lots of tingling...falling asleep feeling.
Quote: "Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you stop pedaling." -Claude Pepper ...I have bad news for Claude.... I can't pedal right now, I only have one leg!!! :)
pic is still from day 13+.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Day 26+
Well, the good news is: November 5th is no longer visible when I pull up my iCal, which is great, the surgery date is further and further away, theoretically meaning I am closer to recovery and feeling better each day. The bad news is: I am not feeling better. Its like one step forward, three steps back. I was hoping for vice-versa.
I can only have my foot down for a minute or so, and now when I do, my toes go completely purple, and fast. They appear to be dead, like my circulation is cut off. A nurse friend of mine says it doesn't look good, so that concerns me. I am having a lot of pain in my heel, but not just there now. When I put my foot down I feel pressure on the inside of my foot as well. This is new. Me=not happy.
I'm so frustrated right now. I just began to be able to start doing more things, which is great, and now I feel like that's being yanked away from me. I'm only okay when I'm at home, in my bed, and not moving. I'm beginning to get a little depressed, which REALLY sucks because I have been so overly happy for the past 3 weeks, week 4 is proving to be quite stressful and frustrating thus far.
Pain: 3
Quote: And thank God for this quote today, maybe this will get me through this "super" Monday.... "Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." -John Wooden
I can only have my foot down for a minute or so, and now when I do, my toes go completely purple, and fast. They appear to be dead, like my circulation is cut off. A nurse friend of mine says it doesn't look good, so that concerns me. I am having a lot of pain in my heel, but not just there now. When I put my foot down I feel pressure on the inside of my foot as well. This is new. Me=not happy.
I'm so frustrated right now. I just began to be able to start doing more things, which is great, and now I feel like that's being yanked away from me. I'm only okay when I'm at home, in my bed, and not moving. I'm beginning to get a little depressed, which REALLY sucks because I have been so overly happy for the past 3 weeks, week 4 is proving to be quite stressful and frustrating thus far.
Pain: 3
Quote: And thank God for this quote today, maybe this will get me through this "super" Monday.... "Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." -John Wooden
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Day 21+
THREE WEEKS POST OP! Yippie! I don't have much to report, I don't feel any different. :) Although my larger than life screw doesn't look as big in this photo, that's kind of nice.
Pain: 1.5
Quote: "Try and fail but don't fail to try." -Stephen Kaggwa
Pain: 1.5
Quote: "Try and fail but don't fail to try." -Stephen Kaggwa
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Day 20+
Almost 3 weeks since surgery. I can't believe it's only day 20.
Feels like forever has gone by! I feel pretty good! I still can't have it hang for long, but there has been a definite improvement though. I'm up to a couple minutes from 10-30 seconds. I guess that proves it really has only been 20 days, I have plenty a ways to go so I won't over react just yet that it cant hang for hours on end.
Yesterday was my first day of work since Oct. 24th. It was great to be back, I'm so tired of being in my condo alone all day! Much better being here. Only problem, not very comfy. I mean, I am posted up on our couches, but for some reason my foot goes numb and my heel hurts like crazy. I did a decently long day yesterday, a full one for sure, which made it really sore. Then we headed up to Plano for Juan's mom's bday party, it hurt! Why, every time I see them, must I be in the worst shape?! I feel so bad! I came home last night and passed out the second I layed down. Woke up a few hours later to actually wash my face and brush my teeth!
It feels better this morning, I'd like to be able to last all day. At least its a short week. I'm happy to be back, I don't really want to leave! I was contemplating calling the Dr., my cast is sooo loose already, and it's only been 1 week. I'm worried that in another 3.5 it will be much too loose, and my ankle will have been banging around too much in the cast. I'm wondering if I should come in at the halfway mark and get a tighter one? Eh, whatever. I'll be fine.
Pain: 2
Quote: "The delay of our dreams does not mean they have been denied." - Sarah Ban Breathnach
Feels like forever has gone by! I feel pretty good! I still can't have it hang for long, but there has been a definite improvement though. I'm up to a couple minutes from 10-30 seconds. I guess that proves it really has only been 20 days, I have plenty a ways to go so I won't over react just yet that it cant hang for hours on end.
Yesterday was my first day of work since Oct. 24th. It was great to be back, I'm so tired of being in my condo alone all day! Much better being here. Only problem, not very comfy. I mean, I am posted up on our couches, but for some reason my foot goes numb and my heel hurts like crazy. I did a decently long day yesterday, a full one for sure, which made it really sore. Then we headed up to Plano for Juan's mom's bday party, it hurt! Why, every time I see them, must I be in the worst shape?! I feel so bad! I came home last night and passed out the second I layed down. Woke up a few hours later to actually wash my face and brush my teeth!
It feels better this morning, I'd like to be able to last all day. At least its a short week. I'm happy to be back, I don't really want to leave! I was contemplating calling the Dr., my cast is sooo loose already, and it's only been 1 week. I'm worried that in another 3.5 it will be much too loose, and my ankle will have been banging around too much in the cast. I'm wondering if I should come in at the halfway mark and get a tighter one? Eh, whatever. I'll be fine.
Pain: 2
Quote: "The delay of our dreams does not mean they have been denied." - Sarah Ban Breathnach
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Day 14+
Yay! I got my cast yesterday! It's been two weeks today since surgery, and I feel pretty good. Not too much to report. I suppose that is good news in itself!
Pain: 1
Quote: "You won't realize the distance you've walked until you take a look around and realize how far you've been." -Unknown
Pain: 1
Quote: "You won't realize the distance you've walked until you take a look around and realize how far you've been." -Unknown
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Day 13+, splint removed, casted
Well, today was a big day. The first follow-up. 13 days post-op. Wow. So, it was a little worse than I thought it was going to be, I guess in some ways, in other ways not.
Several hours were spent at the dr.'s office today, first, they removed the splint, which probably took 30 mins. I can't believe how much gauze was under there! Glad it wasn't my leg that was that big and swollen! My leg is actually very tiny already, *tear*. What I wasn't prepared for, was all of the blood and drainage that was going to be in the gauze. Dried, and stuck to my foot. Gross and ouch. So they finally got all that off, and we went to xray. Another 30 min. And I had my foot hovering over each xray film, b/c I couldn't bear to put my foot down. Any slight touch to my heel was unbearable.
Then the doc comes in. I'm soooo happy to see him. He's a great guy and doctor. Dr. Royer. He's a good man. So he looks at me, says I look good, answers a couple questions for me, clarifies exactly what he did in surgery, and says he'll see my back in 4 weeks when hopefully, I will be through with the cast and will be in a walking boot, whoot whoot! That is definite progress, I thought I would be casted for 6-8 weeks, but Dr. didn't do the tendon xfer he thought he would need to, so maybe I saved a couple weeks there.
Surgery: cut heel bone, move over 10mm (1cm), insert screw, LARGE screw! Repair torn tendons and repair/reattach stretched out ligaments. I have 3 incisions, 2 huge ones on the outside of my ankle, and one tiny one on the back of my heel. Lots of stitches. Yes, that was the next phase. Stitches have to come out today. NOT FUN. At all. So once those were removed, another 20 min, with 5-10 minutes in between each of these events while different people were in and out of the room...this is sounding like a horrible experience but it really wasn't, although it was painful and even Juan felt faint when they were removing the stitches. It didn't help that I was squeeling b/c of the pain. I actually said out loud, "geez, how do kids handle this?!" oh yeah, KIDS dont have to have this surgery! ha! duh. it takes years to do the kind of damage i have done. :)
So I finally get my cast, I ask him to put a ridiculous amount of padding in, which he says won't do me any good but be uncomfortable in the end, so i have this pretty black cast that is so small compared to the big splint i was lugging around!
All in all, it was a successful day, and I am progressing very well. As I was laying on the xray table, I was thinking about the last day I left boxing class, when I told the instructor I was out for ankle reconstruction, and she told me I was hard core. Lying there today, I began to understand a whole new level of "hard core." I'm raising my leg in the air, looking at these ginormous incisions thinking, "all those years of soccer, I can't believe I did this, that I played through all this, that I'm actually laying here looking at this, and I'm not even playing college ball anymore..." It was just really, really, weird. I grew up a little more today. I'm not exactly itching to get back on that field...I'm just happy that I will be able to walk and run again. :)
Pain: 2
Quote: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." -M. Kathleen Casey...Well, M. Casey, I'm not so sure I agree with you today. :) Those stitches were stingers!
Several hours were spent at the dr.'s office today, first, they removed the splint, which probably took 30 mins. I can't believe how much gauze was under there! Glad it wasn't my leg that was that big and swollen! My leg is actually very tiny already, *tear*. What I wasn't prepared for, was all of the blood and drainage that was going to be in the gauze. Dried, and stuck to my foot. Gross and ouch. So they finally got all that off, and we went to xray. Another 30 min. And I had my foot hovering over each xray film, b/c I couldn't bear to put my foot down. Any slight touch to my heel was unbearable.
Then the doc comes in. I'm soooo happy to see him. He's a great guy and doctor. Dr. Royer. He's a good man. So he looks at me, says I look good, answers a couple questions for me, clarifies exactly what he did in surgery, and says he'll see my back in 4 weeks when hopefully, I will be through with the cast and will be in a walking boot, whoot whoot! That is definite progress, I thought I would be casted for 6-8 weeks, but Dr. didn't do the tendon xfer he thought he would need to, so maybe I saved a couple weeks there.
Surgery: cut heel bone, move over 10mm (1cm), insert screw, LARGE screw! Repair torn tendons and repair/reattach stretched out ligaments. I have 3 incisions, 2 huge ones on the outside of my ankle, and one tiny one on the back of my heel. Lots of stitches. Yes, that was the next phase. Stitches have to come out today. NOT FUN. At all. So once those were removed, another 20 min, with 5-10 minutes in between each of these events while different people were in and out of the room...this is sounding like a horrible experience but it really wasn't, although it was painful and even Juan felt faint when they were removing the stitches. It didn't help that I was squeeling b/c of the pain. I actually said out loud, "geez, how do kids handle this?!" oh yeah, KIDS dont have to have this surgery! ha! duh. it takes years to do the kind of damage i have done. :)
So I finally get my cast, I ask him to put a ridiculous amount of padding in, which he says won't do me any good but be uncomfortable in the end, so i have this pretty black cast that is so small compared to the big splint i was lugging around!
All in all, it was a successful day, and I am progressing very well. As I was laying on the xray table, I was thinking about the last day I left boxing class, when I told the instructor I was out for ankle reconstruction, and she told me I was hard core. Lying there today, I began to understand a whole new level of "hard core." I'm raising my leg in the air, looking at these ginormous incisions thinking, "all those years of soccer, I can't believe I did this, that I played through all this, that I'm actually laying here looking at this, and I'm not even playing college ball anymore..." It was just really, really, weird. I grew up a little more today. I'm not exactly itching to get back on that field...I'm just happy that I will be able to walk and run again. :)
Pain: 2
Quote: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." -M. Kathleen Casey...Well, M. Casey, I'm not so sure I agree with you today. :) Those stitches were stingers!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Day 12+
First day of tears. I want to go outside soooo badly. It's 76 and sunny and I'm tied to this stupid bed. I just want to go outside. I'm so bored, unmotivated, it's so not me. I can't stop crying. to be continued....
OOOOkay, I have regained my composure, thank you Mister House. I was able to get outside (in the daylight) and we took a nice drive in the new car with the top down to Paciugo and got some gelato. The perfect fix. I feel much better having gotten to see the outside world in the light. Who would've guessed, the trees are changing color? Go figure?!
Foot is the best today that it's been. I feel like I can have it down for a minute or so, depending on what I'm doing, before the pins and needles set in. I'm going to load up on the advil tonight, and although this will be two full days free of pain meds, I might let myself have one tomorrow depending on how painful the Dr. appt. is. Hopefully it won't be bad. I'd like to be rid of the meds until I really start rehabbing, or god forbid, get another injury...eek, dare I even say that at this point?! I guess it's realistic, although not optimal.
Pain today: 2
Quote: this made me laugh, especially following my iPhone shenanigans....Apparently you can hear a lot better if you remove the sticker covering the earpiece, I'll leave it at that. :) "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas Edison
*Photo is a picture of my heel now, with screw in place. This one's really mine.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Day 11+
Is it really only day 11? Hmmm, thought I was further along than that. Well, I feel the same today, pretty good, considering. We went out to dinner last night for Juan's birthday, again, and it was extremely difficult. There's just no way to get comfortable, keeping your leg elevated in restaurant chairs. I fought back tears several times, but was successful. It felt so good to get home, back in bed, with my foot raised. Ugh. I'm so sick of being in this stupid bed, it's starting to drive me nuts. I don't have the motivation to do projects like I thought I would. I set myself up with plenty of things to do, but I find myself just laying here, watching mostly mindless tv and being lazy. It's hard when you're in bed 24 hours a day. I can't wait until I don't have to elevate my leg constantly. I wonder what the doctor will say? Am I behind schedule? Should I be able to have it hang by now? I wonder what it looks like under there? I will probably not be happy when I see it, only because this huge splint gives me this false sense of security/confidence. But when my foot is out in the open, not surrounded by inches and inches of padding and metal support, I'm certain I'll want that cast on there ASAP.
This picture is of me and Juan waiting for my name to be called to go back and get all suited up for surgery, it's 630am and i am THIRSTY!!! that no eating/drinking thing is rough. :)
Pain today: It's hard to judge, there's no more pain when I am just laying here. If I shift the splint so it hits the side of my ankle, yes, that hurts, it gets very sore, but I can't really gauge the pain at this point. But to give it a number, I'll give it a 2.
Quote: "The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; The optimist, the opportunity in every difficulty." -L.P. Jacks
This picture is of me and Juan waiting for my name to be called to go back and get all suited up for surgery, it's 630am and i am THIRSTY!!! that no eating/drinking thing is rough. :)
Pain today: It's hard to judge, there's no more pain when I am just laying here. If I shift the splint so it hits the side of my ankle, yes, that hurts, it gets very sore, but I can't really gauge the pain at this point. But to give it a number, I'll give it a 2.
Quote: "The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; The optimist, the opportunity in every difficulty." -L.P. Jacks
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Day 10+
I woke up feeling pretty good today! Granted it was 1pm, but at least I got some rest and I feel better. This is a pre-op photo, my foot is still in a splint, getting a cast on Tuesday.
Pain: 3
Quote: "Determination, patience and courage are the only things needed to improve any situation." -Peter Sinclair
Pain: 3
Quote: "Determination, patience and courage are the only things needed to improve any situation." -Peter Sinclair
Friday, November 14, 2008
Day 9+
Well, I thought I'd post a more positive picture today, in an attempt to cheer me up and remind me that I will, one day, be normal again. I feel crappy today, not really sure why. I feel like I'm sick, but I know I'm not. Probably just a little depressed, with good reason. I get my cast on Tuesday, I almost can't believe it. Exciting to move onto phase 2, but I'm also nervous because my foot gets really sore in the splint, and it will be worse in the cast because there is less padding there.
Anyways, just rambling. My foot is the same as its been the last three days, a terrible horrible feeling when I don't have it elevated. I can let it down for about 45 seconds before I can't bear it. I was hoping to be past 2 minutes by now. Oh well. At least my sister is coming to visit next weekend!
Pain today: 4.5
Quote: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."" -Mary Anne Radmacher
Anyways, just rambling. My foot is the same as its been the last three days, a terrible horrible feeling when I don't have it elevated. I can let it down for about 45 seconds before I can't bear it. I was hoping to be past 2 minutes by now. Oh well. At least my sister is coming to visit next weekend!
Pain today: 4.5
Quote: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."" -Mary Anne Radmacher
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Day 8+
Sooo, I missed a day of blogging, oh well. Instead I got to get an iPhone! Yippie! I signed up for it online, and thought my boss would be able to pick it up for me, but it turned out that I had to be there to sign for the 2-yr contract with AT&T. I knew my foot wasn't ready for that. But I really wanted that iPhone! So I went. And so I am paying for it today. It hurts pretty badly today. I didn't sleep well at all, it's very sore, and when I put it down from its elevated position, it hurts about three times as bad as usual when the blood rushes down to my toes. its a different feeling then before too, it makes me a bit nervous. But I did get the phone, which actually has what we're hoping is a software and not a hardware issue that I am trying to fix right now.
But I took it easy today. My boyfriend's sister and her new baby came over and brought me lunch and hung out with me, it was lots of fun. Nice to have some company and good timing since I was pretty down today b/c I feel like I took a step backwards. My splint feels looser, which I guess is good since that means the overall swelling is down, but it actually makes it hurt more b/c my leg is banging against the sides of it, making it really sore. Anyways, thats my recap.
Day 7 (yesterday) pain: 5.5
Quote: "Greatness is not measured by what a man or woman accomplishes, but by the opposition he or she has ov ercome to reach his goals." -Dorothy Height
Day 8 pain: 6.75
Quote: "If you want to get somewhere you have to know where you want to go and how to get there. Then never, never, never give up." -Norman Vincent Peale
But I took it easy today. My boyfriend's sister and her new baby came over and brought me lunch and hung out with me, it was lots of fun. Nice to have some company and good timing since I was pretty down today b/c I feel like I took a step backwards. My splint feels looser, which I guess is good since that means the overall swelling is down, but it actually makes it hurt more b/c my leg is banging against the sides of it, making it really sore. Anyways, thats my recap.
Day 7 (yesterday) pain: 5.5
Quote: "Greatness is not measured by what a man or woman accomplishes, but by the opposition he or she has ov ercome to reach his goals." -Dorothy Height
Day 8 pain: 6.75
Quote: "If you want to get somewhere you have to know where you want to go and how to get there. Then never, never, never give up." -Norman Vincent Peale
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Day 6+
More pictures of me passed out! Terrrrriffic! Thanks boyfriend.
Today's okay. I need to go back and read more of Rick's blog (fellow calcaneal osteotomy survivor...thats so funny!) and see what I should expect here in the next week, month, etc. I mean, I feel good right now, but I'm mostly referring to my mental health and the fact that I am not nauseous. The pain is definitely still there, most especially when I stand up. I still can only make it to the bathroom and back. I did some leg lifts and sit ups today, I can feel it in my ankle for sure. damnit!
Short post today, getting sleepy. Thanks for stayin' with me guys, my appointment is Nov. 18th, when I get the splint off and will get to see the gruesomeness underneath this monstrosity, then I'll have my cast. And I should apologize for anything I repeat, see, the pain pills make you lose your memory, its nuts!
Pain level today: um, i should really record two or three recordings, am, mid day, and pm.
Today's okay. I need to go back and read more of Rick's blog (fellow calcaneal osteotomy survivor...thats so funny!) and see what I should expect here in the next week, month, etc. I mean, I feel good right now, but I'm mostly referring to my mental health and the fact that I am not nauseous. The pain is definitely still there, most especially when I stand up. I still can only make it to the bathroom and back. I did some leg lifts and sit ups today, I can feel it in my ankle for sure. damnit!
Short post today, getting sleepy. Thanks for stayin' with me guys, my appointment is Nov. 18th, when I get the splint off and will get to see the gruesomeness underneath this monstrosity, then I'll have my cast. And I should apologize for anything I repeat, see, the pain pills make you lose your memory, its nuts!
Pain level today: um, i should really record two or three recordings, am, mid day, and pm.
AM: 4
Mid-day: 5
PM: 7
Quote: "Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach." -Anthony Robbins (good quote K, all these are good! okay, well its only day 2 of the quotes, but they were both super so far!)
Quote: "Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach." -Anthony Robbins (good quote K, all these are good! okay, well its only day 2 of the quotes, but they were both super so far!)
Monday, November 10, 2008
Day 5+
Well, I feel a bit better! It's nice! I actually didn't sleep the whole day away, which was nice. Maybe I will again tomorrow, I dunno. I got really excited today and showered, as best I could, and cleaned up my new bedroom (our living room) a bit, kinda organized our new entertainment center, then after that my foot was kiiiiilling me so i had to take some meds and now i have about five minutes before i am out.
Juan snuck some photos of me knocked out this past week. They are pretty funny, I'm so passed out, pain killers are no joke! I feel like I should be on Intervention, I started this post with a bunch of things to say, but I can't remember any of them at the time. *sigh*.
My sister sent me a really sweet gift. It was a little card file/box she made, and it was filled with notecards. On the back of each notecard, she wrote a motivational/inspirational quote to help me with my recovery. I will post the day's quote along with the pain rating on the bottom of each post. Although it's pretty sore right now (mainly from my activity earlier), it feels pretty good. I did call the nurse today, I wasn't sure what to do b/c I would elevate my foot all day/night long, but then I would lose feeling in my toes, but when I put my leg back down, all the blood would rush to the bottom of my foot and I felt like it was swelling. She said it's normal, and not to worry. :)
Pain average today: 5
Quote of the day: "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
-Helen Keller
Juan snuck some photos of me knocked out this past week. They are pretty funny, I'm so passed out, pain killers are no joke! I feel like I should be on Intervention, I started this post with a bunch of things to say, but I can't remember any of them at the time. *sigh*.
My sister sent me a really sweet gift. It was a little card file/box she made, and it was filled with notecards. On the back of each notecard, she wrote a motivational/inspirational quote to help me with my recovery. I will post the day's quote along with the pain rating on the bottom of each post. Although it's pretty sore right now (mainly from my activity earlier), it feels pretty good. I did call the nurse today, I wasn't sure what to do b/c I would elevate my foot all day/night long, but then I would lose feeling in my toes, but when I put my leg back down, all the blood would rush to the bottom of my foot and I felt like it was swelling. She said it's normal, and not to worry. :)
Pain average today: 5
Quote of the day: "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
-Helen Keller
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Day 4+
hurts today, of course, but its a different kind of hurt. the areas around the incisions are sore i know for a fact, w/o knowing exactly where the incisions are. ive had my leg elevated since i left the hospital, and now i actually think my foot is numb because its been elevated so long. so i had to try to get some blood flowing back to it, but that's difficult b/c it's painful!
i can move my toes voluntarily today, without too much pain. i haven't taken much pain medicine today b/c i dont like how it makes me feel. but the pain is coming back in full force so i think ill take some tonight. i was up for most of the day today, feels like a long day! yesterday i had slept all day.
i also took a shower! this is big news! its definitely difficult, but it wasn't as bad as i thought it was. its harder to gather the strength to get to the bathroom then to actually take a bath! my toes won't stop tingling, not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. it feels like the circulation is cut off, but i'm in a splint, not a cast, so there should be some room for swelling. and it couldn't be more swollen than when i left the hospital.
well, thats enough for me, the computer puts me to sleep, something about the screen...goodnight.
approx. pain level today: 5
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Day 3+
hurts today, not much better. and actually my toes are starting to move/twitch now which is very painful. any slight movement of my foot down there is quite painful. I try not to move at all, but you can't help your body's involuntary movements. :(
slept most of the day away again, that's definitely the way to go. i'd like to wake up in a week or two when things are much better, and less painful.
pain average today: 5.5
Friday, November 7, 2008
Post-Op. Day 2+
Well, it's Friday, I think, so that would put me at 2 days after surgery. I still don't feel so hot by any means, but I am less nauseous, so that's a good start.
I'm trying to find a good pain pill/phenegren combination. Right now I'm doing half a hydrocodone every 2 hours instead of 1 full pill every 4 hours. I feel like my body appreciates that. Then I can only take the phenegren every 6 hours, so that's what I'm doing now.
I hope everyday becomes easier and easier. I'm taking good care of it so far, the only time it's not elevated above my heart is when I have to use the restroom.
Today's pain average: 6
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Post-Op. Day 1+
Post-op, Day 1, and feel like absolute dirt. Worse than dirt. Yesterday gave me this false sense of confidence that this would be easy. The nerve blocks are wearing off, and the pain meds dont seem to be working as well as i'd like them too.
6am this morning I woke to take another dose of pain pills, and I had just put it on my tongue and the room started spinning, I couldn't hold my head or body up, and I was sweating profusely. I thought I was going to throw up everywhere, and I couldnt move myself to the bathroom. Juan brought me cold wash cloths and such, and I was finally made it to the restroom and layed on the cold tile for three hours in significant pain. Luckily, I never threw up, I despise that, but I felt so awful! Ive slept most of today, which is great b/c it doesn't hurt as much when I'm sleeping. And I *think* I've figured out a better combination of pain killers, food and anti-nausea medicine. We shall see, I'm getting pretty sleepy right now.
At 6am, pain was a 12 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst. Overall today I feel like the pain has been a 7-8. Hard core painful, sucks!!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
SURGERY DAY cont., 11/5/08
Me at the nursing station, almost ready to go home! Look how happy I look with my little Shrek baby! :)
SURGERY DAY cont., 11/5/08
My heel post-op. That is one big screw! You could build decks with that thang!
SURGERY DAY! November 5, 2008
Well, it's crazy, I did it! I can't believe it! Walking up to the hospital this morning in the pitch dark, I asked my Dad, "Are we sure this is a good idea? We decided this was the best option, right?" And he chucked and said, "Yes, dear, you did. Several times."
I feel good right now. Actually, considering what I just went through, I feel like a rockstar! If you get this surgery make sure to get the pain blocks! I got two in leg, knee area, and it numbs your leg from knee down for 18-24 hours. I'm hoping for 24! I can still "feel it," but it's not crazy intense pain. I'm worried that it will be once the nerve blocks wear off though. I think I have another 6-12 hours. Yikes.
Surgery took 1h 5m. Crazy, when you think about what they did. They said the ligaments were "salvagable." Wow, creepy to hear...I guess I really did a number on them all these years. 2 were frayed and he wove them back together, and the 3rd was so stretched out he had to reattach. I haven't actually spoken to the Doc after the surgery, this is what he told my fam, I can't wait to talk to him myself and hear how f-ed up it was and how much better it should be!
The worst parts of this whole thing SO FAR has really been the anticipation. The nerve blocks HURT and they kind of electricute you (your leg) to find where the nerves are so these strong electrical pulses are being sent through you and they hold you down and your leg jumps around, its gross. My calf muscle was about to pop out of my leg and i think my toes all moved in different directions. That and when they gave me the meds in the IV to really knock me out, it hurt badly. They said I wouldn't remember it, but I do! Bastards. :)
I had my surgery at Baylor Hospital in Dallas, TX. I couldn't say enough about the nurses and staff there. Everyone was so incredible wonderful, it really made this whole experience much, much better. The nurse even let me sleep for over 2 hours after I got out of surgery b/c I was soooo tired! Usually as soon as they see you are awake they make your ass get up and out of bed!
And actually when they were checking me in, the nurses were like, "so, are you staying for one or two nights?" me: "ummm...NO nights! they said i could go home!" so that was a little scary since I was excited to get home and out of the hospital. Obviously, they let me go home. We got there at 6:30am and we left about 1:30pm I believe.
Everyone seems to be impressed at how well I am doing today. I am too. But tomorrow is going to suuuuuuck I know it. And I thought waking up in the hospital bed afterwards was going to be a lot worse than it actually was. I came to so slowly and didn't feel much pain so it was good. The nurse woke me and asked my pain level, I said 1. (scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst). Then after I was awake for a few minutes, it was increasing for sure, I told her I changed my mind, it was heading past a 3, and she grabs some morphine and shoots me up. Nuts! Morphine is crazy! But it works!! :)
Anyways, that's all for now, I have only a few minutes left before the pain meds kick back in and I get realllly sleeeepppy. Wish me luck that I don't cut my leg off from pain tomorrow. Stay tuned!
Cheers!
I feel good right now. Actually, considering what I just went through, I feel like a rockstar! If you get this surgery make sure to get the pain blocks! I got two in leg, knee area, and it numbs your leg from knee down for 18-24 hours. I'm hoping for 24! I can still "feel it," but it's not crazy intense pain. I'm worried that it will be once the nerve blocks wear off though. I think I have another 6-12 hours. Yikes.
Surgery took 1h 5m. Crazy, when you think about what they did. They said the ligaments were "salvagable." Wow, creepy to hear...I guess I really did a number on them all these years. 2 were frayed and he wove them back together, and the 3rd was so stretched out he had to reattach. I haven't actually spoken to the Doc after the surgery, this is what he told my fam, I can't wait to talk to him myself and hear how f-ed up it was and how much better it should be!
The worst parts of this whole thing SO FAR has really been the anticipation. The nerve blocks HURT and they kind of electricute you (your leg) to find where the nerves are so these strong electrical pulses are being sent through you and they hold you down and your leg jumps around, its gross. My calf muscle was about to pop out of my leg and i think my toes all moved in different directions. That and when they gave me the meds in the IV to really knock me out, it hurt badly. They said I wouldn't remember it, but I do! Bastards. :)
I had my surgery at Baylor Hospital in Dallas, TX. I couldn't say enough about the nurses and staff there. Everyone was so incredible wonderful, it really made this whole experience much, much better. The nurse even let me sleep for over 2 hours after I got out of surgery b/c I was soooo tired! Usually as soon as they see you are awake they make your ass get up and out of bed!
And actually when they were checking me in, the nurses were like, "so, are you staying for one or two nights?" me: "ummm...NO nights! they said i could go home!" so that was a little scary since I was excited to get home and out of the hospital. Obviously, they let me go home. We got there at 6:30am and we left about 1:30pm I believe.
Everyone seems to be impressed at how well I am doing today. I am too. But tomorrow is going to suuuuuuck I know it. And I thought waking up in the hospital bed afterwards was going to be a lot worse than it actually was. I came to so slowly and didn't feel much pain so it was good. The nurse woke me and asked my pain level, I said 1. (scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst). Then after I was awake for a few minutes, it was increasing for sure, I told her I changed my mind, it was heading past a 3, and she grabs some morphine and shoots me up. Nuts! Morphine is crazy! But it works!! :)
Anyways, that's all for now, I have only a few minutes left before the pain meds kick back in and I get realllly sleeeepppy. Wish me luck that I don't cut my leg off from pain tomorrow. Stay tuned!
Cheers!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Day 3-
Pre-op still...3 days to go. I'm nervous, happy, scared, excited, and sick to my stomach. It's emotional. But I'm holding up incredibly well thus far. Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. We just got back from an amazing vacation to Florida, The Bahamas and New Orleans, so I've still got that on my mind, thank goodness!
I have taken a million pics of my ankles as they are today, here is one of them, yes, that is the way I stand, and no, I am not kidding/exaggerating/etc. It's stupid. :)
I have gotten several emails from people that have really helped me so far, so thank you all so much. I'm not sure how this is going to be, maybe I'll be so happy when I wake up, maybe I'll be pissed (probably pissed...) it's definitely a lot to take in...
Anyways, stay tuned, surgery is WEDNESDAY! Eek!!!
I have taken a million pics of my ankles as they are today, here is one of them, yes, that is the way I stand, and no, I am not kidding/exaggerating/etc. It's stupid. :)
I have gotten several emails from people that have really helped me so far, so thank you all so much. I'm not sure how this is going to be, maybe I'll be so happy when I wake up, maybe I'll be pissed (probably pissed...) it's definitely a lot to take in...
Anyways, stay tuned, surgery is WEDNESDAY! Eek!!!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Day 27-
I feel good today. Not sure where the optimistic outlook came from, but that's okay. Days are winding down, I'm feelin' good at day 27 pre-op, but I know that will soon end, so I'm just going to enjoy it. I am so lucky that we are going on that cruise beforehand, wow. I guess everything does happen for a reason.
Got me some new shoes the other day and wow do they make a difference. I ran today, first time in a while b/c of too much pain, but it was a fantastic run. I felt great. I dont feel great now...but that's okay. :)
I had another funny realization today....I was thinking about how I DESPISED running when I was younger. Training in HS and college, ugh, I would dread it. But back then, someone was forcing me to do it. Now, I absolutely LOVE running. If I can't get a run in, I'm so upset. And I'll do almost anything to get a run in! But now I'm doing it b/c I want to, not b/c I "have" to. I suppose a lot of that has to do with maturity and lack of the ability to do other things that I love and would rather do, ie: soccer, but I think the psychology of it is really interesting!
And at this point, do I dare say this...but I've been out of soccer so long, I'm almost not sure I'd rather do that than run. Maybe b/c when I play it is so involving and damaging and painful and dangerous. And running is more fun. A bit painful during, very painful after, but much less side effects then ze socca. Oh well. Buon soir. (is that how you spell it, I don't even remember...) Good night.
Got me some new shoes the other day and wow do they make a difference. I ran today, first time in a while b/c of too much pain, but it was a fantastic run. I felt great. I dont feel great now...but that's okay. :)
I had another funny realization today....I was thinking about how I DESPISED running when I was younger. Training in HS and college, ugh, I would dread it. But back then, someone was forcing me to do it. Now, I absolutely LOVE running. If I can't get a run in, I'm so upset. And I'll do almost anything to get a run in! But now I'm doing it b/c I want to, not b/c I "have" to. I suppose a lot of that has to do with maturity and lack of the ability to do other things that I love and would rather do, ie: soccer, but I think the psychology of it is really interesting!
And at this point, do I dare say this...but I've been out of soccer so long, I'm almost not sure I'd rather do that than run. Maybe b/c when I play it is so involving and damaging and painful and dangerous. And running is more fun. A bit painful during, very painful after, but much less side effects then ze socca. Oh well. Buon soir. (is that how you spell it, I don't even remember...) Good night.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Day 29-
29 days before surgery. I'm doing okay. Haven't cried in a while. Maybe I'm coming to terms. I have no idea. Lately my body has been in so much pain, that it's almost unbearable a few hours after a workout. And I'm not even working out hard anymore, just enough to keep me healthy. Maybe it was b/c I needed new running shoes. :) So I got some new shoes. I'm hilarious. Yes, I'm *sure* my body hurts b/c of my old shoes. Aye yi yi. Hey, whatever makes me feel better at this point. I've gotten new sweatpants, warm up pants, a hugeeeee comfy blanket, and am starting to really prepare for this.
This is a picture of someone's foot who has had the surgery. I get that very same screw. Does everyone see how LARGE that screw is?! So much for quick trips through airport security!
But I did meet a lady at Luke's Locker, the saleswoman that was helping me out, that was very supportive. She was trying to convince me that I needed a medium in these warm up pants, and I was trying to convince her a needed a large. :) I told her I would have to get them on and off over a large cast for a very long time, and then she understood. (Although, for the record, Mediums were too small anyways. Who wants their sweatpants to "fit" them?! I want them baggy as ever)! Anyways, this lady was hiking in CO two years ago, when she slipped on a rock. Shattered her ankle. 13 screws and a 4 inch plate. *whoa*. Gives me goosebumps. So talking to her was nice b/c she understood. Also there are apparently these socks you can get, they are like compression socks or something, for airplanes and such, which helps injuries like that when flying...something about the swelling or the pressure or both. I'm going to have to look into that!
This is a picture of someone's foot who has had the surgery. I get that very same screw. Does everyone see how LARGE that screw is?! So much for quick trips through airport security!
But I did meet a lady at Luke's Locker, the saleswoman that was helping me out, that was very supportive. She was trying to convince me that I needed a medium in these warm up pants, and I was trying to convince her a needed a large. :) I told her I would have to get them on and off over a large cast for a very long time, and then she understood. (Although, for the record, Mediums were too small anyways. Who wants their sweatpants to "fit" them?! I want them baggy as ever)! Anyways, this lady was hiking in CO two years ago, when she slipped on a rock. Shattered her ankle. 13 screws and a 4 inch plate. *whoa*. Gives me goosebumps. So talking to her was nice b/c she understood. Also there are apparently these socks you can get, they are like compression socks or something, for airplanes and such, which helps injuries like that when flying...something about the swelling or the pressure or both. I'm going to have to look into that!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Today's Ok
Well, I've felt better about the surgery these past couple days. I had some rough couple days, but lately have been able to deal with it a bit better. I'm starting a "motivation board...or book"...probably book, that I will have pictures, letters, anything that helps remind me of why I am doing this, and help me get through it. I've already printed out several photos of past ankle injuries, this is one of them. This would happen every 6-8 wks. And I mean EVERY. Granted, it hasn't happened in almost one year, but I also haven't done anything fun either. And I've been lucky. *knocking on wood*. I need to stay as healthy as possible before the surgery so it goes as smoothly as possible. I guess I just want to get it over with. But not too much longer until the cruise and that IS exciting! I'm trying to get as much running around done as possible before the big day, and I'm even pretty far into my xmas shopping already! Good news!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Pre-Op Day -42
Well, I'm in tears. Again. Not b/c of pain, but b/c I'm absolutely scared to death to have this surgery. I don't want to do it, I want to back out. It's hard to think about making yourself miserable and immobile for 6 months when you feel "fine" at the time! I can run pretty well, in fact I just ran my fastest 10k time to date, 49 mins 5 seconds.
Everything seems so surreal right now, although I had a nice reality check today as I picked a co-worker up from the airport. She just had surgery on her ankle to remove a bone tumor. Let's just say her surgery was supposed to be much "easier" than mine, and she was in a whole lot of pain after hers. I know she'll recover just fine, but I'm not so sure about myself.
I've had surgeries before. Knee in '98, L ankle in '00. The knee was cake, arthroscopic. The ankle was HELL. And did I mention I woke up during the procedure? Ugh. It's been 8 years now, and I still have pain. It's awful. I know I "need" the surgery. I think. I mean, yeah, I know I do. Because I am 27 years old right now, and have crazy arthritis and if I step on a pebble in the street, crack in the sidewalk, small slope in the lawn, I'm a goner. That's not how I want to live the rest of my life. And sadly, that's what I have to think about right now. But I don't want to. I don't want to think about the "rest" of my life. I never have, so it's very hard to start now. I want to think about today, tomorrow, my game this weekend, etc. But it seems those days are over. And why the F*ck am I having such a GD time dealing with it?! Honestly, wtf is my problem?
I'm sitting here missing soccer, it's been almost one year since I've played. No one can really understand my relationship with soccer. The only way I can try to explain it is this: Imagine someone who has been addicted to heroin for 24 years, and try telling them to "just stop." Right. See, soccer's in my blood. I started when I was 3. I'm 27. EVERY day after school, that's what I did. My whole entire life is built around soccer. I feel like I am worthless w/o it. I mean, who am I w/o athletics at all? My Dad keeps trying to tell me that I'm not just athletics. But every time I hear a compliment, it's about how "in shape" I am, or how fast, or how strong, etc. etc. I feel like I am about to lose everything. And for what? I guess I'm risking ... whatever... so that I can have a better quality of life. But right now that's really hard to think about.
I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared most of all, that I'll never be active again. The doc says that won't happen. But, you never know. I'm scared that I'll never play soccer again. Which, realistically, might actually happen. But–I'm not playing now, and can't, so that won't be much of a change. The worst thing about not being active is the way it effects me mentally. (Effects or affects, and wtf is the damn difference?!) If I skip ONE day of my workout, I am a different person. Let me rephrase...I am an awful person. I'm not myself, I hate myself. I am antsy, have anxiety, I feel like my clothes are too tight on me, I can't sit still, I can't even breathe for that matter. What the f*ck am I going to do for six months?! It makes me so depressed not to release those endorphins or whatever they are. Not to mention the mental toll that it will take on me, but the physical one is a whole 'nother story. I'm going to get fat. And being fat gives me anxiety and low self esteem, demotivates me and makes me all around miserable and probably completely intolerable to other people. They are going to have to load me up with Xanex and I'm going to have to not eat for six months. Super. This sounds fun. Anyone else want to play?
I guess the days of rolling my ankle, hearing it snap and pop, even though it's already taped, mind you, and just throwing more, tighter tape on top of it, and going back out on the field, are over. But writing that, sounds dumb anyways. I would go through 2 rolls of tape for every game I played. One for each foot. And that only lasts about 45 minutes. B/c then the tape loosens up, and I have no protection. That or my toes go purple and it strains the tendon on the bottom of my foot, b/c I've taped it too tight. *sigh*. 2 rolls a game. I finally started to buy tape in bulk, but when I didn't, it's about $3.79 a roll. Not counting pre-wrap. So let's just say $4 a roll to be fair, so $8 a game, for two ankles. I was playing anywhere from 1-6 games a week. So we'll say 3. 3 games a week, times $8/game is $24/week. Times 52 weeks in a year is $1248. Now that's just on tape. That doesn't include X-Rays and Dr.s appts when the tape didn't hold and I'd blow it out. Which at the end of last year, was happening every 6-8 weeks, like clockwork. However, by the end of last year, I also stopped going to see the Dr., b/c I felt like it was a waste of my time. He was telling me I needed surgery and I was being resistant. He was giving me cortisone shots that didn't work, b/c the ankle was too messed up to even begin to help the problem. *sigh*...again.
Well, that's it for now. I apologize for my language, but really, this site is going to be my own way of dealing with this situation. So if it offends you, don't read it.
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